My rants and ravings...

moved.

2009-01-01T20:41:00.000+08:00

Have decided to move.

http://withinthepsyche.blogspot.com

The Grass is Always Greener...

2008-11-02T20:20:00.002+08:00

Been reading a couple of senior's blogs, and really feeling a little envious of the life they are having now oversea studying. Truly. It all seems so surreal and exciting, that they are experiencing so much and getting exposed to so much. Wishing that I could have the same experience. Sadly, will never have the chance. Only have myself to blame, for letting myself down and all. Just wishing and hoping...

Missing

2008-10-30T22:07:00.002+08:00

What happens when you feel that something is missing in your life, and you know exactly what it is that is lacking. But no matter how, you are unable to obtain what you need. There is something that I really wish I could have in my life, but it seems so elusive. Wish I could hold on to it permanently. But life never goes the way you want it.

It Ain't Over till the Fat Lady Sings.

2008-10-29T12:28:00.002+08:00

And so the fat lady has sung. I guess I have procrastinated long enough in updating my blog. Perhaps on some level I just do not wish to undergo the self-reflection and face all the emotions I have inside.

It has been almost a week since my return from my 17 month stint in Brunei. And frankly, I cannot say that I am all that glad that it has ended. Thing is, looking back, perhaps the only thing I have truly gained, and some of us as well, is growth, both on a physical and also a personal level. Reaching the foreign land on 23 May 2007, non of us had much idea what was in store for us. We then endured 17 months of shit, braving through unreasonable superiors' lambasting, suffering through the tough times. On some level I am sure we have all been hurt in a way.

As I have said before, I feel that I overstayed my welcome in the country. True, I had a bunch of great friends, but with time, tensions arose, and there sparked off several issues between us. Two who were close became estranged, the precise cause still cannot really be determined. And due to external factors, I got hurt by one whom I respected, and we never really recovered from the incident. We all got pissed at each other some point or another, but we had each other, and at the end, we still were the armour boys. I cannot say I did not wish things had turned out differently, that we could all be a close bunch, tightly knitted, inseparable, but life always has a way of undermining your expectations.

I made friends whom I would never have met in my life. From Fadhli to Hidayat, from Zhen Chiang to Han Keat, the myriad of people that passed through the camp was an eye opener if anything. Do not think I would have made so many Malay friends in my life otherwise, and be close to some of them at that. And is always the unlikely, when you are not looking things happen. Grew close to people, and slowly the friendship blossoms. And when it is time to part, it makes it so much more difficult. It was how as DY asked me during my interview with me. He asked what was the best thing and the worst thing about being there. And I said they were both the same thing- the people.

They are the ones, the only ones you can turn to for support in that land, but sometimes you cannot expect them to understand. As much as they are immersed in the same environment, there are some issues which they just cannot comprehend. Think I am ranting a little too much, but is from a very personal level that I am saying this. Would have to admit that in the last few months I became somewhat cloistered, hiding myself from the world. Got a little cynical and all, and just did not want to be hurt anymore. I could have gone about differently, but what is done is done. No point my harping about it.

The 17 months saw us experiencing much, many firsts. Be it work wise, or personal life, we learnt much. From decorating the Jerudong Hall, to the road trips, I would not have changed anything that I went through. But I would not wish to repeat it again. From the planning of Christmas function, to the manning of the karaoke system, to office work, to cleaning arms, life was varied to say the least.

I cannot say that I left the place happy, but I guess it is time that that chapter of my life ended. It has been a tulmultous journey, but one that I appreciate. I have gleaned much, experienced much, suffered much, and hopefully I have grown. There is much that I still have inside, but it is too painful to say. It was hard to leave, the tears were hard to hold back, even now thinking about it brings much sadness to me. Thank you Brunei for everything, but so long. It has been somewhat a fun ride, but once is more than enough.

Just once.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

2008-09-25T19:51:00.002+08:00

As the month draws to a close, the realisation strikes that my departure is imminent. And once again, the whole array of emotions wells up. Is really a whole plethora of mixed feelings, wonder how I will actually be on the day of my leaving.

Life has been ok so far i guess, nothing really of interest happening. Just that sometimes things have not been exactly easy for me. Is the feeling of becoming detached and all, and the pining gets a little unbearable occasionally. Haiz. Do wish that I was home with my family and friends, but there are things holding me back. Know that I am not fully capable of letting go.

Getting a tad disillusioned and cynical with event around me, but then again, I have always been so, haven't I. Lolx. Don't really have much to elaborate on this matter, some things are best not aired in public.

I hate it how life always throws you with a whole load of what ifs. Can I truly live a life without all the regrets and questions, forever wondering what lies down the other roads. Living for the moment, perhaps it is something I should aspire to. Alas, knowing myself, I have my reservations.

Haven't much to say, so I shan't continue to bore you all with my droning, monotonous lines. Goodnight for now, until some other time when I feel a little more inspired. Ciao.

Carpe diem.

Questions

2008-08-31T11:20:00.002+08:00

Once again I have been absent for quite a lengthy period, and I do apologise for it. Been really busy with work and all, was outfield then had a frantic time completing the preparations for a camp event. Things were not very well these weeks, cannot actually place a concrete reason but ya, have not been in the best of moods and all.

Am quite numb to how someone plays the angel/devil act way too often. Just sick of it. Frankly I do not even bother now, let him behave however he wishes, will not let him affect my life. The cycle always repeats itself, is beyond me how he lives with himself. Enough is enough. Stop subjugating me and subjecting me to your whims and fancies. My superior you may be, but hell, do not even assume that you are a better human being than me. You can maintain that you have your character and values, but is kinda dubious when the entire world thinks otherwise, is it not? So much time is wasted listening to your incessant ranting and what you deem "life lessons", oh please, you are in no position to give us that in the first place. Nevermind, just got to hang in there a while more.

Thinking back, there is an amount of regret I feel for extending. Perhaps I have overstayed my welcome, should have left when I had all I wanted to get from this place. Things have been going downhill since the one year mark. Perhaps it was wrong to get goaded with the lure of money. However, I think the larger part of me has no qualms over my decision. And it is due to one reason. But because of this, other issues arise.

Sometimes it is very hard to go on with something, when you feel that it is right but is frowned upon by the majority. Do we actually ignore that fact and go on as how we want to, or do we actually succumb to the pressures of society and conform to the norms? In an ideal world, the former would be feasible and may even work, however reality always rears its ugly head, and one had to maintain a sense of reason. Maybe there are other alternatives, but the knowledge of the ugly truth will always loom.

I have no regrets embarking on the path that I am on now, and I assure you that I will do all I can to remain on it. I can only hope that I can be strong enough. I will not give up.

back from the dead

2008-08-10T21:24:00.002+08:00

ok, i think that some of you might have thought i have died or something, so well unfortunately, i am still alive and kicking. things have been really hectic lately, with a lot of planning for SAF day to be done. really am struggling to complete everything on schedule and all, does not help matters when the work environment has been less than conducive and been proving almost impossible to bear with at times. i will not go into the details, since will only spark off unhappiness, in myself mainly, so shall just leave it as that.

otherwise, life has been fine, most of it at least. the cycles continue, the self-loathing, self-pity, depression and all take turns making their appearance in my life. but on the whole, i do have to say that am contented, majority of the time. things could be worse, but then again, we all do wish for better things don't we? am trying to look forward to my impending departure date, but it still seems a little out of sight. well, have to hold on to the little things, they make all the difference.

there is much i wish to say, but somehow just feel that words cannot fully them justice. so i guess i shall just leave things as they are right now. very tired and drained at the moment, and the week ahead does not look to be a good one. so long then, until the next time u hear from me, hopefully will not be too beaten the time time we meet.

2008-07-05T12:20:00.002+08:00

Been way too long since I have entered anything on this blog. So much so that my tagboard has expired due to the inactivity and I am too lazy to reapply for one.

Anyways, things have been the usual, to sum it up. And yet they haven't. Am getting very tired with a lot of shit happening, and the frustrations of everyday life are getting to me. Just wish that there is an easier way to resolve how some things are. Work is starting to pile up, with there being a huge load of preparations for the SAF day reception next month. Does not help matters that we receive lectures almost every day, certainly does not do anything to boost our already wavering morale. But frankly, am getting numb to all this crap, am just attempting to live my life and concentrate on my work, is the only way to survive I suppose. Just am too tired, not with everything that I am going through on a personal level as well.

Am going home for a while next friday. Anticipation is there, but reality always bites with the incessant reminder of how little time there is left, how that when I return I will have to work my butt off to get everything done on time. Now have to try to complete as much as I can, but there are just too many restrictions and all. Haiz, am trying my best, but ya, some things and issues are just beyond my control.

Other than that, things have not exactly been smooth sailing, with there being some issues with my health. Been ill recently, and plagued by chest pains. Went to the doctor, who took my ECG and said that I have something called ST elevation. And that, according to my mum is like a symptom of a mild heart attack. Talk about shocks. Wow, was kinda weirded out about it, but what could I do. Was referred to the hospital, where I had a first hand taste of how inefficient this country can be. Spent almost an entire day there, and emerged not knowing anything better. Apparently I am in fine condition, so ya, no idea what is wrong with me. Am going back again for an echo later, hopefully will not have anything disturbing. Knda apprehensive though.

Am quite tired now, did not have a good night. Shall adjourn for now, pray for me, will keep you all updated. Stay in touch.

Musings on relationships

2008-05-26T19:18:00.002+08:00

Do rough patches necessarily help a relationship grow stronger? Does telling the truth all the time actually benefits a relationship? There are other pertinent questions racing through my mind now, just had to throw some of them out. Won't explicitly say why these issues are plaguing me, just that they have crossed my mind these couple of days. Perhaps it is how they always say, when you are in a relationship, you cannot live with each other, but you also cannot live without each other. Ironies and paradoxes of life. But yes, I do realise, and also was talking to Wee Kim about related issues, the longer you know a person, and the closer you get to know a person, you tend to notice their flaws, and as much as you try, they tend to get in the way. Somehow, the more obvious the flaws become, the more irked you get, and soon it becomes an issue in the relationship. Is it truly that difficult for one to accept another fully and wholeheartedly for who that person is? Or is it just human nature for us to pick faults and find all the imperfections in each other? That is questions that I have to answer for myself, and will always be searching through my entire life.

Was thinking about somethings in my life, and thought, maybe it is time for me to really take charge and get things going. No point always paying lip service and all, having mere thoughts and not having the balls to execute them. So ya, time for me to be more resolute and take control, will take time and I know I'll slip at times, but hey, at least I know I am trying and making an effort. Cannot afford to let myself go too much, not after all I have worked for.

The cycle continues, the person changes, but the issues remain. Hopefully, this time around, things might end up differently. But the optimism I have seems short-lived, guess it is up to me to sustain it. I thank God for everything, and I thank you, if you know who you are, for everything you have been to me. I know things will be better. We will be stronger.

Do I really?

2008-05-20T20:38:00.002+08:00

Have not been in the best of moods and all lately, think I am going through my usual bout of mood swings and emotional lows. Haiz, wish I can fully express how I am feeling and all, but it seems impossible to let words encompass all that is going on within me. Am thankful for the people around me, but sometimes think I get affected by them a little too much. Should learn to steel myself more, and be the "hard-hearted bitch some people claim themselves to be. Then again, is not me to do that. Wish there is a way for everything to be resolved, and that "there is a way to be good again". Haha, such cliched quotes. Nothing much I wish to say, just needed to unload a little, guess shall be off to ocupy myself with something, and not let my mind idle and start thinking a little too much. Goodnight.

musings

2008-05-06T20:10:00.002+08:00

Once again, I have resurfaced to pen my occasional entry in the dormant blog of mine. I truly wonder which of you has actually sustained the interest to continually check back and see if I have written. I shall not dwell too much on the little minutiae of my life, those small nitty gritties which frankly aren't of much human interest anyway. haha.
It is kinda hard to describe the state of my life now, to express full optimism or pessimism would be a tad too much, guess i'm falling somewhere in between. Ambivalent isn't it, then again, I always have been, seems I fall in limbo a little too often. Not that it is exactly a bad thing. Then again...haha, am falling into the same pitfall.
Workwise it has been busy, each day brings forth a packed itinerary and there never seems to be enough time to complete everything. But then again, am finding enjoyment in my work, despite having to brave the certain potential dangers and getting downright filthy, there is an element of fun and satisfaction when one sees the fruit of one's labour.
Physically, have not exactly been in the best of forms. back injury has recurred and does not seem to be letting up anytime soon. Am really frustrated with the way it is hindering me and all, really hope that there is something that can be done once and for all, to eradicate this plaguing issue.
Emotionally, it has been trying, to say the least. Admit that much of it has been self inflicted, I just never seem to learn. The same mistakes, it is always the same mistakes. Haiz. I just pray that I can get it into me this time, to not blow it like the others, to really make this time work.
I need the time, I need the strength. The self-hate never leaves, always lurking in some deep recess of my being, never completely releasing its grip on my heart.
It takes a lot of self control to not let things overwhelm you and get caught in the whirlwind of things. Good things come in small packages but misery loves company. One always loses sight of the good in the light of the bad, we tend to forget all the grace in our lives when met with trial. Am attempting my best to note and be thankful for the little blessings, the little nuances in my life that I usually overlook, but frankly is not easy especially when the sheer onslaught of living gets to you. Am grateful for the people around me though, who ground me and occasionally provide the necessary admonition to give me a reality check. Cannot really say am happy with all the relationships around me, but then again, we all have the little irks of life, gotta learn to live with it. I am trying, but sometimes maybe it just isn't enough. Do wish some people would forgive though. haiz.
Enough of my musings, time to have some personal time, perhaps indulge a little. Until the next time. Adieu.
It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.

contentment

2008-04-14T21:02:00.000+08:00

I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Phil. 4:11.

I can only pray that I can achieve that.

2008-03-25T19:26:00.002+08:00

ok, this is a long overdue entry. So I have returned from my home leave and life returns to normal, or as normal as life here can be. Life overall has been average thus far, can't say that it has been bad, nor has it been fantastic. Am upset with a lot of shit here, but am trying to swallow it and not let it get to me. Got a little upset when start to see more people leave from here, haiz realise that when I leave will have seen most of everyone that was here leave already. but well, life has to go on.
nothing much to say, just getting lazy to update this blog. talk to me if u wanna know more about the state of my life. haha. take care peeps.

2008-02-29T00:38:00.002+08:00

Ok, just a short entry, really tired now to even do anything. just arrived home a few hours ago, back for a short while. just wanna rest and get back in focus, getting my life back in order. hope that this period will be good and all. let's just say things did not go on a right foot. so kinda upset abt stuff, but nvm. praying for a better day tmr.

to you who made a difference in my life: i won't say too much, most of what i have to say has been said or written to u. just dunno why u always can affect me so. haiz. i wish u can just talk to me. or am i asking too much? when it comes to u, i am at a loss.

2008-02-09T21:04:00.000+08:00

Here is a CNY shout out to all the peeps out there, hope that the collection has been good this year. Celebrating CNY here has been a very different experience to say the least, not just because we are in a muslim country, but the entire atmosphere is totally different. I shan't lament too much about CNY, considering that I am not in much of a mood and all.
Must admit that I have been in my moods recently, totally losing faith in stuff. With it being the Lenten season now, am trying hard not to let myself get overwhelmed by everything. My promise to myself to not get angry and lose my temper has been broken a number of times, just hope I can keep myself in check.
Feeling fatigue now, been occupied with stuff, don't really have the mood to work anymore, but life goes on. I can only wait in anticipation.

Growing Older.

2008-02-03T16:32:00.000+08:00

And so my 20th birthday has come and gone. Well, was not a big affair, considering that I had to work and all. But am grateful to the guys, they got me a cake and all, truly appreciated it. Was a little sad due to several reasons, but then, tried to stay happy and not get all emotional and all. Anyway, turning 20 marks the end of the teenage years and as Chew puts it, time to face reality. How true man, adulthood beckons and one can no longer hide under the protection of being a teenager. Frankly at this point in time, I also have no energy to think too much about this issue, am too caught up in my own shit at the moment.

Had outfield from wed to fri, then duty yesterday. Now am totally burned out, seriously need some rest. Haiz, just wish that there could be more time, just want the personal time to let myself get some relief from all the stresses of the daily toil. Well, I can't really continue this entry now, am really suffering from fatigue. Next time then. Ciao

Tired

2008-01-23T19:50:00.000+08:00

I feel that I have changed. For better or worse, that I cannot truly say. Some people have also reflected that I have seemed different lately, in that my attitudes have differed somewhat. Perhaps I have, but even if so, I make no excuses for myself. If you are not happy with the way I have been or am now, tell me straight in the face. If I see any sense or logic in your criticism, I'll accept it graciously, otherwise you can jolly well stuff it up where the sun don't shine.

Don't know if you will read my blog. But yea, sometimes I just get very frustrated. I just don;t know what to do anymore. I don't know why you always affect me so much, your moods always have a way of altering how I feel as well. I wish that things can be settled with us once and for all, I cannot handle this anymore. It is way too emotionally trying. I really want this to work, but I feel you are slowly drifting away, I try to go closer, yet you pull further away still. Please, I just beg of you. Haiz.

Maybe I am way too sensitive and emotional, as what Benjamin commented of me. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? I would prefer to be how I am instead of a stone block devoid of emotion and feeling. However, the emotional toil that one sometimes go through is way too draining and tiring. Haiz, maybe I should learn to steel myself, can't dwell on the unhappiness too much.

All that sentimentality aside, work wise, it has been, if anything, difficult. Having to suit the whims of different superiors, and heeding orders from all around, it sometimes is a whole load of shit we have to deal with, to put it crudely. But essentially we have to suck it up, being the lowest in the "caste system" we are stuck in. haha.

Moving to happier things, am looking forward to going home on 28 February. Somehow or another, seems like I have been here for way too long, or maybe it is just how I am dealing with things. Need to have a break from the environment. So peeps, start booking your dates with me k. Haha.

On a side note, I think I am seriously screwed. The degeneration my brain has undergone has reached a terminal stage. At this rate, I am going to die when I finally ORD and start schooling again. Bleargh. Speaking of ORD, it is still far, but it's approaching! Haha, the excitement and anticipation just builds up.

Shall be off now, nothing much to say, yes I am a boring person. But hell, it's my prerogative.

Promises

2008-01-13T20:46:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth making promises to oneself, chances are they just end up being broken.

That aside, there has been feedback that my recent entries have been somewhat morose and emotional, and yeek has actually requested that I do a silly and light hearted entry, for he fears that I may soon require the use of botox to rejuvenate my sagging skin due to all the frowning. Ok, think that sentence was rather conjugated and full of bad grammar. Whatever. However, sad to say, I unfortunately won't be doing a silly/light-hearted entry, since it is totally unlike me, but then I shall attempt to pen something which isn't so angsty.

Haha, however, I have nothing up my sleeve at this moment. Perhaps shall attempt to type something, sometime, somehow, somewhen. Bleargh. Oh well. What the heck, in a weird frame of mind now. Haha. So long.

2 more weeks

2008-01-09T09:06:00.000+08:00

Nine days into the new year, and well, as much as I would like to say that it looks to be a great year ahead, I would just be lying to myself. The cynicism is getting to me again, just am losing faith seeing the things happening around me. Am giving up on some people/ things, just don't understand why they can be so self-absorbed that they only see the immediate gratification they get. Why do they not think of the greater picture. Maybe it is just me.

Haiz, never mind. Shall be back another time.

Just a random rant

2008-01-06T21:25:00.000+08:00

It amazes me how myopic some people can be, who are totally unable to see anything beyond what's in front of them. Bleargh. Seriously, think of the big picture ya, there are always consequences, and every single decision has its repercussions. Haiz, nevermind, shan't rant too much, just need to vent out a little of my pent up frustration.

The End of Yet Another Year

2007-12-31T16:29:00.000+08:00

ok, this entry is already 3 days late, been really busy with stuff and all, did not have much time to update.

and so quite quickly, 2007 has come and gone. Crossing over to 2008 was almost a nonchalant event, nothing very significant frankly. Had a happy hour that night, and I was the one helming the organising committee. Handling the event was not a walk in the park, considering it has been really damn long since I have done such stuff. And well, things just did not go as I wanted and as you can guess I was pissed. Want to thank the other armour guys a lot, especially the 3 closest guys, Liansheng, Weirui and Jun Nian. Owe you all a lot, thanks for helping me at every turn and for just giving me your support. Could not have done it without you all. As the countdown began, as much as I tried, could not get myself into any sort of spirit. For some unexplainable reason, was just totally down. And when the clock struck twelve, when people went around shaking hands, when Jun Nian actually came up to hug me, I cried. Hurried to make my way out, could not let the others see me in my state. Sat on the stairs a while, attempted to clear my head, but was not very successful. Forced myself to snap out of it, then went back to join the others.

Anyway, enough of my lamenting. Just want to do my yearly reflections and appreciation. To be honest 2007 was definitely not a great year for me. The emotional roller coaster which I rode was a hell worse ride than any I have had. But frankly, I do thank God for it. Think somehow, I have grown a little, matured a little and hopefully changed for the better. I know can comprehend why they say the army makes men out of boys. Still, there are some things I wish I could have changed and things that I wished I could have done otherwise, and not forgetting the huge load of what ifs, but there isn't a point regretting, the new year is here. Gotta just suck it up and move on.

Wanna say a huge thank you to my family and friends who have always been there for me. Won't name all of you here, you all know who you are. Just know you are loved and truly appreciated. What I feel is ineffable, and words are truly inadequate in times like this. So once again, thank you.

think i shall adjourn for now, need some alone time to think through some stuff. until next time.

Christmas

2007-12-27T21:15:00.000+08:00

And so Christmas has come and gone, and I spent it here in Brunei. Went for 'midnight' mass here, which started at 2200. what a time. Going to church here just did not have the same feeling as back home, and well, it sure isn't as grand. Mass ended at 2330, which frankly is like wth, is supposed to last through midnight man. Came back camp, and was just rushing to complete all my outstanding cards, wrote until I was real tired. Decided to call Cas and the choir peeps, really miss them a lot. Calling them just made things even worse I guess, felt even lower. Haiz. Walked to guardroom while I was on the phone, talked to Jun Nian for a while. Least had a bit of company, really felt alone, with most people asleep by then. Really wished you were here bro, at times like these I just really need your presence and the comfort you give. I finally gave in to sleep at around 5 am, falling into a joyless and dreamless slumber.
Woke at around 0930, did abit of stuff, then went back to sleep. Just damn sian, slept till lunch then joined the rest for lunch. Felt kinda shitty and all, did not feel like booking out, but at the insistence of Nelson decided to just go out and try to rid myself of the depression. Wasn't much of company, sorry guys, but did feel a tad better. Thanks to alvin and the chipmunks. haha.
Yesterday was a frantic mess, getting ready for the garage sale and bbq. Glad to say that it went a lot better than expected, thanks to Liansheng who really put himself out there. Owe ya man. One down another to go, hope the year end function would not be a disaster. Am just so tired now, trying to get everything in order, has been quite awhile since I had my fingers in so many pies, just am struggling to cope with everything. Only can trust in God to help me.
Anyway, shall be off, got more work to do, is neverending. Take real good care peeps, and enjoy the festive season. Ciao.

Life.

2007-12-22T21:44:00.000+08:00

Life. Sometimes you love it, sometimes you can't help but loathe it. Haiz, currently my state of being? Let's just say I would rather not wish to start thinking about things and drive myself to that all too familiar state of depression. So, shall say that I am in limbo now, trying to not let myself be overwhelmed with the negativity of things now.

Things have not been getting any easier lately, though it does help that certain people are currently not around. Still, there are times when one just feels utterly vulnerable and down, like going on is seemingly impossible. Haiz, sometimes when you depend on someone too much, you end up getting hurt even worse. Is just so difficult to love without condition, to love not based on feelings.

Haiz forgive me, just am rambling now, am not capable of coherent thought. May continue this entry some other time.

Too close for comfort.

2007-11-28T21:18:00.000+08:00

Finally it has gotten to me. Did expect it sooner though. Being with the same people day in day out, literally 24/7, the term 'too close for comfort' seems the most apt to describe the situation. Kinda starting to resent a couple of being, mainly with regards to how they go about doing things and how their attitudes are toward stuff. Haiz, know have to try to get along and all, still, will get really frustrated at times. Today was just totally pissed off, the cumulative effect of continuous barrage of irritants. Flared up k, thank goodness had someone to vent it to, if not would have been sullen and cranky the entire day.

Really have no wish to carry on like this. Is almost as if I am being two-faced, exactly the same crime that I am angry with a couple of people for. Have to settle the issues outstanding asap, can't let this get more down. Still, do realise the disadvantages of communal living, having to bear with each other's quirks and nuances. Hopefully, can train my patience, and not let my temper get the better of me.

Life goes on these days, work piling, going outfield this weekend. Bleargh. Shall be off to enjoy some personal time I guess. Nights peeps.

The longing

2007-11-15T21:14:00.000+08:00

Today went for an invitational relay by the RBAF, haha, essentially went there to just participate and lose. haha. but well, being there just made me think of the track days. do pine for the adrenaline rush when you are running on the red clay, the only thing against you is the clock Kinda regretting some of the things in my past, but well, always the case ya. The shitty thing of hindsight. haha. oh well, what's gone is gone, can't do much abt it, just gotta try to live without regrets from now on, though we all know is almost impossible.

am just ranting now. shall be off lah. take care all.

Life goes on...

2007-11-14T21:20:00.000+08:00

Just been a roller coaster ride of emotions, as always. Somedays just get so low and dunno what to do with myself. Haiz, and result in my shutting people out and causing a lot of problems for myself, leading my feeling even more shitty. What a lovely cycle huh. Oh well, kinda giving up on myself, am trying to survive each day that passes, no point to think too much nowadays. Think chew may be going through a similar patch as me, damn long since I manage to catch up with him and the rest. Miss them like crazy.

Anyways, getting quite cynical toward some stuff in my life. Am slowly turning a blind eye to stuff and well, is somewhat affecting my attitude with regard to some of the things I do. But hell, dun really give a damn anymore. And the decision to extend or not is still far from reaching a conclusion. The more thought I put into it, the harder it seems to make a choice. And the way things are going around here, as Liansheng puts it, "there isn't much to hold one back anymore." Poignant observation if I may say so, cannot agree with him anymore.

Anyways, shan't dwell too much about stuff here lah, some aspects of my emotional psyche cannot be shared online. Until next time I guess, talk to me on msn ya peeps, haha. take care all.

2007-10-29T20:14:00.000+08:00

with the higher authorities coming down harshly on those who leak any info regarding their life in the service, there is little i can type regarding my life here. will essentially mention things in brief, dwell more on the personal side of stuff i guess. haha.

life has been ok so far, coming back from home leave was a little trying at first, attempting to fall back into routine isn't that easy. till now, am still lagging a little, cannot seem to find any of the previous motivation i had. also, been commented that i have been somewhat more sensitive and down lately, have i? maybe, but well, just dunno man. am tired of a lot of things, like sometimes is really difficult to manage the problems i face, or perhaps is just my overacting to things? haiz, why am i crumbling so much ever since i entered ns man, shouldn't ns teach me to be tougher?

can't really write anything now, not in a very suitable emotional state now. shall be off, dunno when my next update will be, but ya, do visit and tag. take care

2007-10-08T23:32:00.000+08:00

I just cannot seem to escape from this. I wish somehow I can free myself from the clutches. Haiz, really need help.

2007-10-07T00:31:00.000+08:00

Just wishing things can always be how we wish them to be.

Today went to VJ open house, which kinda disappointed a little, think was somewhat dull compared to past years. But still was really nice going back, miss the place man. So many memories. Went to parkway after that, nothing much different there, met the class for dinner. Damn long since saw them all, sure was great catching up with all, but do realise all of us are very caught up with our lives now, wonder if we still will have time for each other in time to come.

The remaining hours tick by a little too fast for comfort. But well, ain't really dreading it that much I guess. But then again, think i'll sing a different tune when the time comes.

Just drained now, don't wanna think too much. Goodnight.

Wish I could just see you.

2007-10-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Getting away

2007-09-27T20:45:00.000+08:00

I really need this break, to get away from everything. The heaviness is becoming too hard a burden to bear. Father help me.

Take me away.

2007-08-29T18:18:00.000+08:00

Believe that it is high time that I made another entry into this rather dormant blog of mine. As much as I would like to say that life here is fine and wonderful, I am really just lying if I do. Haiz, is just trying at times I guess, and well, things here aren't always the easiest to handle. However, am trying as best as I can, which is all I can do I suppose. The facade may peel at times, but well, as long as it is able to fool most, I think it is the best I can afford.
Attempting to stay jovial and light-hearted is seemingly impossible! The barrage of troubles and problems is almost insurmountable. But then again, what is life without its difficulties huh. Haiz, if only I won't let things get to me so easily.
Aside from that, think life is progressing smoothly? That perhaps is the only way I can describe it. Going along, doing work, training, with the occasional book out and outings, everything pretty much stays the same. Am kinda starting to pine for home, missing the comfort of being immersed in the familiar.
Haiz, should stop before I get fully into another of my typical moods. Keep in contact all.

2007-08-03T19:34:00.000+08:00

Guess once again i have to learn the hard way, of not putting too much trust in other. Cause ultimately, sometime somewhere, you know you will be lat down, betrayed even. Haiz, don't know man, think maybe I try too hard.

Training has picked up intensity, ar least in the physical aspect. Been running quite a bit, and think may be pushing my body way too hard. Need to rest a little. Still am happy over how I have progressed thus far, though there is still a relatively long way to go. And also, have been quite a lot of stuff going on. Ain't too happy about some of the things, but then, who am I to say anything. Wonder why is it that I am causing myself such unhappiness, is it that I am a sucker for all this? Sadomasochist perhaps? Just am so tired of having to put up with so much everyday, and always be pretending. Is getting way too much a burden to bear.

Just wishing I can go home soon. And that you will be there.

I just can't live a lie.

2007-07-28T22:40:00.001+08:00

Am feeling too tired, too dejected. Hell, it hurts to even feel nowadays. Better to remain an emotional blackhole. Enough said.

Sentimentality.

2007-07-28T15:41:00.001+08:00

I think I have come to an awareness why is it always said that sentimentality restricts one's ability to work and to think rationally. Those feelings of longing, regret and other notions cause one to remain stuck is a whirl of emotions and thereby being caught in that trap of one's heart ruling one's head. Can say that this has been affecting me for sometime, more often since I've landed on the shores of this place. Reading people's blogs, seeing them recount days long past further exacerbate the melancholy within. How I wish that we all could return to the days of old, where frankly, life was a lot simpler and straightforward. School was about the only priority, and time for leisure and fun were plentiful. Alas, that is no longer the situation. Parting of ways is imminent, inevitable, and slowly we fade from the lives of one another. From being people you see everyday, you become the occasional meet-up, till one day, both parties become too busy for each other.

Perhaps I am being a tad too cynical, but chances are, that is the honest truth, much as I would prefer it otherwise. Really miss the 4-9ners as well as S43. Seems like an eternity since I have met up with them, and is rather frustrating to have little details in your daily life reminding you of incidents in the past, leaving you all the more wanting to relive the experience. Cannot wait till I return home and meet up with everyone, but wonder if they would want to meet up with me. Bleargh.

My apologies for the rather despondent view I am portraying. Blame it on the weariness I feel inside. Anyway, please tag, especially you S43 people. You all tag on Darren's blog and not mine, that's biasness! Haha. Take care all, am of to watch the Simpsons.

Big Wheel keeps on turning

2007-07-24T20:32:00.001+08:00

Without giving it much though, think this is my 63rd day here, 9 weeks man. Quite amazing the rate that time goes by when you do not pay it much attention. And as usual my routine here is anything but exciting, is remarkable how mundane everything can be. Went for my second live firing last wednesday to friday. Was a much better experience than the previous one, mainly cause my gun did not give me much probs, had quite a bit of fun firing. Did get injured though, but well, will not dwell too much on that.

Been kind of in a weird place these days, perhaps thinking about stuff too much. Haiz. Kinda confused with regards to a lot of stuff, very hard to fully describe how I feel. Wanna find someone to talk to, but even then, is very hard for me to even begin. Just don't know man, feel very ineffectual at times, like feel like yelling at myself to quiting whining, suck it up and be a man. But then again, it just gets so hard ya, there is a limit to how much one can bear. Been putting up my cheery facade(as usual), or rather, attempting to, not revealing that particular facet, which I think is best kept hidden. Then again, am contradicting myself when I am publishing about it online huh. Haha.

Managed to catch Harry Potter over the weekend. Or was it last weekend, cannot remember. Anyway, was not too bad I would say, just the liberties taken by the director was a tad overboard, and scenes which I really wanted to see were unfortunately not included in the movie. Still, it was a good film to catch, though may be somewhat incomprehensible for the uninitiated. Cannot wait to watch the Simpsons, which is out this thursday!

Wanna insert a side mention that I managed to get silver for my IPPT. Am damn happy about it. Know some of you might be sniggering out there, but hey is an achievement for me. Especially since I have not ran under 11 minutes for my 2.4 and I clocked 10.25. Can dare say I am proud of myself. And well, dare I dream it, am 41secs away from a gold. Ok, is quite a bit more to go, but well, impossible is nothing right. Haha. Will not stop training, since it is only one more hurdle. At least have some goal to work towards ya=p.

Shall be off now I guess, pray that I may find some enlightenment concerning my current predicament. Take good care dear friends, am missing you all .

Still Alive

2007-07-01T22:22:00.000+08:00

ok, decided to drop by to let one and all know i'm still alive. been well, and rather busy with stuff. haha. how detailed that statement is. anw just wanna say am missing all back home, am looking forward to my home leave. just take care all k, need to go sleep. will catch u all sometime.

Just for the sake...

2007-06-21T21:24:00.001+08:00

Coming here to this screen time and time again, it seems that there really is nothing much to blog about. Life here has become such a routine that the novelty of being here(if there was any to begin with) has worn off. If has come to the point where we have to treasure any variation in our daily activities, that perhaps is like the only way for us to maintain our sanity.

Been busy preparing for the upcoming SAF day. Just realised that after our stint here, we can add a hell load of past job experiences to our resume. Haha, is just somewhat absurd that we are expected to be able to do anything, from designing work, to even gardening. Amazing isn't it. But cannot stand the bullshit we get when we screw it up, especially when it definitely isn't within our skillset.

Been eating quite a bit lately, not a good thing, but well, will ebb off soon after getting adjusted to the lifestyle here. Just that the night market here has fantastic food, and is cheap too. Still, have to watch over my diet carefully, cannot afford to blow up, lolx.

K lah, shall be off now to bed or something, shall not bore all with the minute details of my life, which isn't very interesting anyway. Goodnight all, until next time.

Paasing Time

2007-06-08T20:49:00.000+08:00

Well, been here for more than two weeks, seems to have been a lot longer actually. Am somewhat already familiar with the rigours of each day and am doing fine. Life here is basically routine, the same template day in and out. Nothing pretty much changes. Anyways, been busy doing the stores for our den, consolidating everything and making sure everything is in working order. Perhaps the only interesting things happening is all the exercise we have been doing. Tuesdays and Thursdays are healthy lifestyle days, so we have to run around 4.4km. Occasionally games may replace the run. Wednesdays and Fridays are for the Unit Fitness Programme (UFP), where we run more or go gym, but usually both. Have not ran so much in such a long time, and am happy that am slowly improving, haha. But still have a long way to go, lolx.
Haiz, essentially life has become so mundane that I have nothing to blog about. Imagine my being here for a year. Still, life here could be a lot worse, so am blessed for how things are I guess. Shall be off for some supper, haha. Message me people! Want to hear from you all. Take care!

Absence.

2007-06-03T20:04:00.000+08:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Just how true is that cliche i wonder. To quote Liansheng, "I can’t decide, is it a matter of me taking a sabbatical from their lives, or have they gradually absent themselves from my life?" That sparked me thinking, for as much as I would like to believe that the former is true, it may very well be that my friends may slowly just exclude me from their lives, since my being away is as good an excuse as anything.

Forgive me for being in a somewhat cynical mood. Am just starting to really feel the full pinch of being away from home. Whatever novelty, if there was any to begin with, has already worn out and faded. Was looking at my old photos just now, and the ache really set in. Am missing all my friends and people back home very badly. How I wish I can EOT right at this moment and be on the next plane home. Alas, that reality is very far away.

Shall try not to dwell on the unhappiness there is, and attempt to make the best of it. Well, it could very well be a lot worse here right. Do keep in touch people, need to hear from you all.

Life goes on...

2007-06-02T10:10:00.000+08:00

Having been here for a week, I would very much like to say that I have fully adapted to the life overseas, but well, that would very obviously be a blatant lie. Life here has let up somewhat, or rather we have fallen into the routine a little, starting to get used to the entire cycle of events. Came back from live firing on tuesday, was a very different experience to say the least, but could do without some parts of it. Haha, shall not elaborate too much in case it is some classified information=p. Came back with a tremendous load of war scars, am really shocked that I got quite a bad case of rash, not just on my body and legs, but on my face as well, feel very upset about it. Hope that it will clear up soon.
Past few days was spent cleaning weapons and other miscellaneous stuff, thank goodness had a public holiday on thursday, gave us a much needed break. Spent quite a bit the past few days on food, thanks to the seniors and their recommendations. Went to Capers, this place which offered a pasta and pizza buffet for just $12.80, was shocked at the affordability of it. The food was rather decent, with quite large range of choices, albeit the service was somewhat lacklustre. Must continue hunting for good food here, haha, in a bid to alleviate my life here.
Am kinda sadden regarding the impending departure of the remaining seniors, really have been looking to them for advice and help, with them gone, it is just us left. Pray that it will not be too big a change for us.
Do not have much else to add, brain quite dulled from the lack of sleep, as I did guard duty last night. Seriously tired, shall go catch some winks for now, take care peeps!

Days go by..

2007-05-26T15:05:00.000+08:00

My 4th day here, have not really been able to go online as I had some issues getting authorisation, not too sure if it has been settled also. Anyway, am at pizza hut now using their wireless, haha. The past few days have been quite alright I guess, nothing too different from course days, busy learning new stuff. Arriving here, the biggest thing was definitely the weather, was freaking hot. And frankly, over here is just like Malaysia, only difference is that it is seriously underpopulated and their currency is of the same value as us. Life here is rather slow paced, nothing very interesting here. Not surprising considering that their land is about 8 times of ours, but our population is 10 times of theirs.
Had book out on the 1st night here, went to the supermarket to purchase some necessities as well as a stop at the friendly neighbourhood video store where the selection and prices of the goods were amazing, if you get what I mean. Thursday was the first serious day, learning new drills and stuff, have quite a bit to remember, am rather worried about it I guess, am afraid will screw up. Friday had unit cohesion day, went out for lunch and watched Pirates. Was a tad disappointed with it. It got damn draggy in parts, and overall was really too cheesy for my liking. But it was decent lah, was not awful, makes a nice film to watch if you are a fan of the series. Haha.
Going outfield tomorrow, not really looking forward to it, yet there is a sense of anticipation. Have not fired anything before, so ya, hopefully will be fun. But then I better not screw up and miss targets, if not will get it man. Bleargh.
Anyways, nothing much to blog, but people want to hear from you! must keep in contact, haha. Am missing home man, wonder if I can tide through the remaining time without going into depression=p. Feel free to message me or what not k, catch up soon. Take care!

Goodbye for now

2007-05-22T20:17:00.000+08:00

This is prob my last entry where I am typing from my lovely room in my lovely home. Haiz, am flying off in around 13 hrs, is really getting to me. Feeling very upset. Just cannot bear to leave everything behind. But I have to be strong, for my own sake. Take it one step at a time, as a dear friend always tells me. So I will, hell, this will be a good 6 months, I will ensure it.

To all my friends, will miss you loads. Won't list you all out, but you know who you are. Feel free to contact me ya, am retaining my number, so you can reach me via the usual ways. Take care people, do keep in touch!

Countdown

2007-05-19T22:50:00.000+08:00

It seems that countdowns are endless, as soon as one ends yet another begins. Was the end of As, then to enlistment, to POP and now to my imminent flight to Brunei. As the hours go by and the minutes tick away, the apprehension in me just seems to build to a peak. I am really not prepared to go! Haiz, the reality seems so bleak.

The week was spent back at kranji camp having the OM course. Was a rather relaxed week, but wonder why we always felt so tired. Haha, booked out for good on friday, would probably miss being a trainee. hell, not that much, haha. Went out to vivo(again), in a final bid to do some last minute shopping. Met with choons, and I managed to get the pink shirt I needed. Came back to bishan for supper where jonny finally turned up and then was the usual. To my place for mahjong and heroes, played until like 5+, with weiyi joining at around 3.30.

Only slept for around an hour and a half then had to get up to go to the docs and then Daphne's wedding. Was a pink affair, and a really lovely celebration. Was nice seeing everyone again, has been like ages. Wonder when will be the next occasion when I see them. Home it was then for much needed rest, where I really knocked out. Woke at 1730, and rushed like crazy since was supposed to meet the section guys at 1800. Took a cab down, and hell, no one was there. Waited for more than half an hour before they came, haiz, should have expected it. Had dinner and catched up, just very comfortable talking about our lives thus far. Haha.

Now really am zoning out, really tired. Still have much to do though, in preparation for tomorrow. Haha, making a big leap of faith, pray that it will go smoothly. Go guess what I'm talking about, cause I ain't going to tell. Haha. Good night one and all.

It is not about how much a person loves you, it is how much you love the person.

Frustration.

2007-05-10T21:34:00.000+08:00

Today has got to be one of the most frustrating times of my life. Yet another testament of just how inefficient the army can be. So I woke up at around 7, lazed in bed for a bit then headed to camp, do note that I am on leave. So my reason for going camp? To submit a passport sized photo and to go for my medical checkup. Reaching camp at around 10, after a $20 cab ride, I headed to the office to give my photo. There I was told I could only go for my ffi(the medical) at 2 pm, so fine accepted that. Went to purchase some stuff, ate lunch and bummed around for 4 hours. Thereafter I headed to the medical centre, whereby I was very kindly informed that there was no medical officer in today, and told to return tomorrow. And guess what, my clerk was informed about this! How nice of him to not remember this little detail. Haiz, got damn irritated lah, so headed home, a nice 2 hr journey.

Had to destress, so went shopping. Made my way to vivo, where I found myself bored actually. Did not really have much idea what to buy, and in me were two opposing forces; one wanted to not make a wasted trip, the other not bearing to spend unnecessarily. Bleargh. Just made a small purchase in the end and came home. What a waste of a day. And still have to go to camp tomorrow, haiz, not looking forward to it man.

Shall be off, take care and good night.

Sudden revelations

2007-05-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

Ok, am relaxing at home now, haha, am clearing the leave I have before I fly off, which has now been brought forward to the 23rd! oh man, it is damn damn soon. Haiz, sad life.

Anyway, suddenly was thinking about YCS when chating with the ycsers, and realise that in some aspect, I really do miss the ycs life. The friendships and all were truly memorable, is kind of saddening that that part of my life is now over. Haiz. Can't really do much about it I guess, perhaps shall just drop by their activities time to time, but do feel somewhat out of place. Well, going to brunei ain't going to help me much also, wonder what will happen to my social life man.

Haha, nevermind, shall just make use of the time I have left. Wish you all a good week ahead. Take care man.

2007-05-05T21:21:00.000+08:00

Ok, an update has long been overdue. Let's see, recalling the events of the past few weeks, as usual there is not much to reminisce, considering that my life just basically revolves around army now. haha. Well, my trade course has ended(finally) and the results of which were extremely unexpected. To think that Liansheng and I, touted the most f-ed up pair by sergeant Jason, since we basically spoiled every tank we went into, including AGTS, would emerge top and second gunner respectively. Was totally surprised at it man, both of us were laughing like crazy. Not that it really matters though, especially since we are flying to Brunei at the end of the month*cue the gasps of shock and horror*. yeaps, the countdown is on, and well, I hell am not prepared to leave everything behind for a year. But then again, cannot go anything about it, can only hope that it will be an excellent experience over there. Only good thing that I have gotten out of it is that now I have a new Macbook, haha, though it is coming out of my own pocket. But no matter, am enjoying it, albeit I still have to iron out a few kinks in the usage. For now, am still dwelling on the novelty of it. Haha.

Anyways, it is hard to believe that I have only been in the army for less than 4 months, has seemed like an eternity, in some ways. Still have another 18 months to go, shall not dwell on that. Has been an experience so far I would say, training with the other tankees from 41 SAR has been interesting if anything. Took a while for both parties to warm up to each other, but frankly when we have to leave I guess I would kinda miss their antics and the plain cock that they sprout with ease. That is a point of the army I would say, bringing people of different backgrounds together, and letting them interact. I highly doubt I would have met people like them in any other setting.

That aside, am getting rather worried with regards to my uni and scholarship stuff. Am already resigned to the fate that I would not be awarded any scholarship, since it is already may and I have not received any notification whatsoever. And with this stint I have in Lancer, I also have problems applying to local unis, since I will not be able to attend their interviews. Argh, his is really irking me. Think will end up schooless, how fun. Nevermind, shall take it as it comes.

Back to camp tomorrow, have sort of gotten used to the routine, though the dread still lingers. Must catch up with a lot of people before I leave, so people, call up and make your appointments ya, I am a busy man=p. Take care all, will miss ya greatly.

Refelctions

2007-04-08T17:35:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I just feel like everything is bloody pointless. Just get so tired of having to put up your best front, to make an effort to socialise, show who you are and impress. Yes, am talking about the endless interviews for scholarships and universities. It never is an accurate gauge of a person, in my opinion, these sessions. having been to a couple myself, have to say that some people just obviously put up an act and try to wayang, the common terminology, and basically it just irks me. Going there, it seems such a chore to have to adopt a facade, for the mere sake of giving a good impression. I don't even know what am I doing sometimes.

As the days pass, I feel like everything is just crumbling around me. I have no idea how I will ever get what I want. The competition is just too strong, and I find myself too tired to continue in my fight. I really want it, to go overseas to study, but, the onslaught is too ferocius, am buckling with every step I try to take. Haiz, just wish God could really guide me.

I will persevere in my chase for my dreams, just can only hope I will not run out of steam. Am sorta resigned to my fate though. Haiz, why does life always toy with us so.

Back

2007-04-08T16:38:00.000+08:00

Well, am finally back, haha. Been a really long while since I have updated. Not much excuse for it, just been lazy I guess. Life in unit has been ok so far, as usual having nice bunk mates help a lot. Training has been going ok, albeit a little monotonous. I suppose I would never be happy until I ORD. Lol. Aside from that, everything is just blah, boring. Being broke does not help matters much. Haiz. Maybe going Lancer would be a good thing? Oh well, shall consider when it comes. Nothing much to say, take care peeps, hopefully will type something more substantive the next time round.

yet again

2007-03-25T20:32:00.000+08:00

Well, block leave has inevitably come to an end, and so has the rest period which we all have enjoyed. Back to camp we flock, all being posted to the different schools and units. Am going to miss my section and platoon mates, life will really be different without seeing them 24/7. Not really looking forward to going to unit, but well, everyday is one day closer to ORD huh=p.

Nothing really much to blog, or rather am too lazy. Been sick for a week, so rather miserable, just willing myself to get better. Has been quite a good week, with the section coming over on thurs. Went abit wild I guess, with them going crazy playing the PS3. Haha. Wonder when is the next time we can have a similar gathering.

Oh well, am just ranting already. Shall be off to enjoy the last remnants of the time I have. Take care peeps, and be good=p.

Farewell

2007-03-16T02:38:00.000+08:00

I am taking a break from typing my application essays, to type another essay of sorts, how wonderfully ironic. Figured was about time I updated this dormant blog of mine. Well, first up, I have POPed. Am finally no longer the lowest lifeform in the SAF, climbed up a notch up the ladder of hierarchy. Frankly speaking, am somewhat missing it a little. Living 24/7 with a bunch of guys just in a way bond you all together, and I sure will miss that crazy gang of people I have come to known. Want to shout out to Jaguar platoon 2, thank you all for making the BMT experience a wonderful one, especially to the section 4 guys, you all sure will be a treasured part of my army life. Shall not rant on and on, there is simply too much to say, these last few weeks were just crazy, went especially high when graduation neared. The late night raids and attacks, the inane acts, all hell just broke loose man. Now having to move on, it feels wrong.

Waking up today in my own room, knowing that I still have a week more of freedom feels real good. Do wonder where I will be posted to though, but shall not dwell on that now. Important thing is to enjoy whatever time I have with everyone, and not forgetting settle all the stupid admin stuff. Am beginning to get incoherent, so better leave for now. Take care all, until next time.

Disillusioned

2007-02-24T21:56:00.000+08:00

How I wish I could be a child again.

-

2007-02-24T15:50:00.000+08:00

I hate always feeling so drained and lethargic, never having any energy to do anything. Even booking out and coming home seems to have lost its novelty(though not its value), since I basically come home and rot. Haiz, life just seems to be so empty, really need to find some meaning to it. Hope I am not embarking on one of my many paths to depression and self pity, oh what the hell.

Fleeting Moments of Freedom

2007-02-20T13:27:00.000+08:00

Alas we have reached the 3rd day of the lunar new year, and we have to go back into camp. Haiz, I shall not even bother to mention the ongoing back on the island, just to say that life has been tough(somewhat), but well, it is still bearable I suppose. CNY was perhaps another of the boring event in my yearly calendar, never did quite enjoy the family gatherings, but then again, cannot call it that since hardly anyone turned up. Oh well, never mind. Had class gathering, was great catching up with the rest, and at least feeling somewhat integrated back to mainland, albeit the feeling would be a transicent one. Man, I realise my language prowess (or rather any semblance I had to it) is fading fast, the repercussions of being locked up. Do not really have much to say, just enjoy the rest of the new year peeps, and do take care, do not snack too much ya=p.

Book Out

2007-01-27T20:48:00.000+08:00

ok, so it has been a long two weeks, and frankly I dare say I hate it in the army. The reasons I shall not mention here, for fear of it being an offence or something, so if you would like to find out, just ask me. Am really too tired to update, just would like to say that it has been an experience so far, and my section mates rock=p. haha, kinda cliche, but who cares. Oh well, booking in again tomorrow, miserable. Shall attempt to milk every available moment I have, see ya all some time soon, I hope.

Almost there

2007-01-12T22:27:00.000+08:00

So it has come down to this- bag packed, head shaved, nerves braced; huh who am I kidding. Like that will ever happen. Oh well, shall just attempt to embrace it and make the best of the experience. Wish me well.

Parting

2007-01-11T23:06:00.000+08:00

Having read YK's blog, I fear I have to echoing similiar sentiments as he. The 10 of us have come a long way since merely knowing each other and becoming acquitances in 2003. From one of our first outings to east coast park, we have journeyed far, blossoming to all the mahjong and overnight outings, dinners, and just plain crazy days. Am really amazed at our group dynamics, that 10 different people can actually form a clique and last as long as we have. I am pretty sure that many also deem the same way, rare isit that there are cliques having more than 5 people thereabouts. That is not to say we never have our squabbles and arguements, but I think I can safely say we have always attempted to solve them amicably, and we do emerge from them stronger.

Everytime we tried to recall our beginnings, we can never properly place it. Seems that it was a meeting of friends, we were all friends of friends, and soon that changed into acquitances and soon friends. Is really filled with wonderment at how the relationship among us has developed from then. With each outing, each birthday celebration, we chalked up more memories, more experiences with each other, that now, it is really weird to go without seeing another for about a week or so. This group of friends I suppose I would classify them as my comfort and spontaneous pals, that I can always just ask out, and very likely someone would be free to accompany me. That's how many of our mahjong sessions begin huh. Lolx.

As of now, we are about to part ways, yet again. We began in cat high, and the bulk of us moved on to VJ. I guess that the close proximity that school brings helped us maintain the bonds among us. NS will be the real test, of how well and deep rooted we all are, and we shall see at the end, whether some would really stay. As of now, I guess our regular meetings and celebrations have come to a temporary hiatus, and my home would be free of the loud bustle of the gang spending the nights (having nothing else better to do after outings) playing cards, mahjong and what not.

But hey, let's not fret ya, we will NOT forget each other and all that we have done together. If anything I am sure that we will become tighter and closer(I hope). Haha. For my part, I know I won't forget you guys. You all have done so much for me, (though I would like to exclude the old, fat, bald, 'guai' and snide remarks) , you all know much grateful I am. I shall not continue to rant but well, shall end here.

To: Teo Zhiyong
Ang Wei Yi Matthew
Chuah He Feng Jonathan
Neo Yu Xuan
Chia Yuan Peng Jeremy
Tan Choon Yong
Lim Yee Kuang
Ong Wei Qi
Chu Jun Chuan

You guys rock my life. Parting in such sweet sorrow. Hell, we ain't parting, just a momentary absence in each other's lives. We have survived worse, we WIll get through this! Stay Strong my dearest friends, we literally will be friends forever. (what idealism=p)

signing off,
with much love
Camillus Kieran (Dunhill) Kang Soon Ern

ps. Dunhill was a name given by the guys, don't even ask me to explain.

Admission

2007-01-08T00:52:00.000+08:00

Who am I kidding? I am freaking afraid, for everything. Now there it is, there you have it!

Don't even attempt to antagonise me.

Futility and Fragility

2007-01-07T00:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it just ain't worth having dreams, when you know that in the end, you'll emerged shattered and broken. Just amazing how aspirations are, so easily torn apart, yet in some ways, easy to build and regain. Maybe we are all masochistic innately, always seeking to destroy ourselves through the collapse of our hopes and dreams. Then again, is probably just that pessimistic and fatalistic streak in me speaking. Well, cannot help it I suppose. Hearing friends asking about college/university plans, and knowing of people getting placements and all, it just serves to arouse my fears. I guess I never should have had such big, lofty ambitions, wanting to fit into shoes which I could never have and never will grow into. Now, just about 2 months from the release of the A level results, I am bracing myself, from what I know is my ineveitable fall, the sheer impact of the wish I had being slowly ripped to shreds.

Being prepared is in a way better, isn't it.
'Why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day when dreaming ends.'
How tragically appropriate.

Thank yous

2007-01-05T14:56:00.000+08:00

How apt is it that when I decided that I should come to do a list of thank yous that '朋友' should start playing on my itunes, how nostalgic.

Know that I said that I would not want to bore you all with the long list of names, but then realised that it is the best way for me to show my gratitude and appreciation, to have a tangible note of gratitude to all.

First and foremost, as always, I have to thank God the Father, even though I have wavered at times, perhaps part of me always knows that You are there guiding me and watching over me. Thank You Father for blessing me with everything.

To my family, Dad, Mum and Cas. I have not been the best of sons/brothers, so thank you for bearing with me and always loving me no matter my shortcomings.

Now the long list of friends.

To the gang: What do I do without you all? You guys may drive me insane with all your inane antics and jokes about my age and all, but truly you all are my comfort friends, whom I can just be myself and go crazy, and even when I am in my moods you guys are still there to perk me up and accept me. I value the bond between us all dearly. Zhi Yong, Weiyi, Jonathan, Yu Xuan, Jeremy, Choon Yong, Yee Kuang, Weiqi and Jun Chuan, thank you all, for making the outings the past 3 yrs truly memorable and all.

To S43: Vj would have been so different without you guys, dull and boring it would have been. The lame jokes, crazy antics of all truly brought life and joy to the class. You guys are the reason that school was worth going to and thank you for the memories. 2 yrs are really too short, hope that we will all remain strong in our friendships, have to meet up often ya.

To the Cat High guys: the years we spent at clocktower high are turly unforgettable, and I will definitely remember you guys for the years to come.
Council Exco: Chew, Nam, Weiyi, Jestyn, the times we spent together just chilling, drinking coffee are not taken for granted. You guys have been there during my lowest, and have always supported me, how can I ever repay you guys.
Chew, for always being there to dispense advice and just talk with me whenever.
Nam, the pillar of support, whom has never once wavered in his support for me.
Weiyi, perhaps my closest friend, whom I can share everything with.
Jestyn, who offers a hand whenever I am down and out.

4-9ers: the 2 yrs were really one of a kind, never will I have that kind of experience again. Do miss you guys a lot.

Barry bro, you have always been a light in my life, and always never failed to make me smile. You know how much you mean to me.

Alvin bro, don't worry k, you have been there for me whenever I needed you, don' think otherwise ya. Thank you for just being a part of my life.

To the Vj peeps: You all coloured my school life and brought so much vibrancy to it.

Yao Min, thanks bro for always making the effort to make me smile, willing to poke fun at your own self.

Kai Xiang, for all the affirmation and just making me know my self worth.

Shuqi, for the times we fretted about S papers, really enjoy talking to ya.

Bing Sheng, big guy, who though suffers from constant self-depracation, still offers much help and advice.

Liang Hong, who relentlessly reminds me of what I refuse to acknowledge at times.

To so many more. Alvin, Li Seng, Smauel, Zheng Hao, Ka Fai, simply too many to name. You all mean much to me, truly.

To Boon and other seniors: for always being concerned and asking after me. You will never be forgotten ya, don't worry about that.

To the YCS members: for all the love you all show me, always believing in me and looking up to me. Is a great comfort that I still can play a part in something and offer something.

To outside friends: Won't name all, but thank you for the memories. Especially to you, wonder if you will read this. The few times we went out are treasured, and thank you for being so forward and settling things once and for all. Though it was heatbreaking, but at least it was not long and drawn out. We seldom talk now, but still do remember a great person like ya.

Not forgetting, the Canticle: serving in the choir and praising God has never been more fun and enjoyable. Thank you for always looking after me and all.

Guess I should leave it at that. Apologise for not being able to name everyone, but do know that the steps you all took in my life mean a lot to me. Love you all.

Another Countdown

2007-01-05T01:00:00.000+08:00

As the days tick off one by one, I just cannot help but feel apprehensive about it. As my dear little junior so nicely and tactfully puts it, he deems me as the sort who is quite panpered and unable to survive. And reflecting on it I do see much truth in the statement. Hopefully the experience will change me and let me grow up more, haha, but well, lets not think about it now. Am just treasuring the days of freedom I have left, and spending good and quality time with my friends and all.

Met up with cousin Judette on tues. Haha, she is as effervesent as ever, always so chirpy and full of life, I wonder how does she ever manage it. Had a great time catching up and all, been really too long since we have seen each other and talked about stuff.

Wed was a trip back to cat high to visit old teachers. Really changed a lot the place, quite saddening, so few of our teachers left, one by one all heading for other places. Wonder 10 years down the road, how many of the teachers that taught me are still there. The day was spent with yk and pig at my place, playing and crapping. Wonder how many of such occasions we have left. Haiz.

Yesday was spent lazing at home and sleeping. Headed out for dinner and a movie. Had an excellent time. 'Stranger than Fiction' was not too bad a film, novel concept, albeit got a little to slow and boring at times. Did enjoy the movie at least.

Well, I believe is time I head to bed, still have to attempt to keep with my paln of waking up at 5.30, though I seriously doubt myself. Haha. Take care then, and see ya all.

Happy 2007

2007-01-01T17:35:00.000+08:00

Ok, I do realise that it has been a tad too long since I have updated. Life after the As in totality has been rather good, going crazy with all the late nights and outings, so much so that I think I am seriously falling sick. Now need to start reconditioning my body in preparation for the coming days, bleargh.
Hong Kong was damn good, had a fabulous 5 days with the rest of the class, went mad shopping and all, all was good, especially the food, only the hotel was really disappointing, but nevermind, should not dwell on the unhappiness. Would definitely miss the times with the class, now with all of us hardly seeing each other.
Celebrated pig's 18th birthday-finally=p. Wonder how long later will be the next time we will get to go out together.
New Year was spent with the exco, met at weiyi's and headed down to town. Saw the fireworks and all, was a spectacular sight. Then came the horrid squeezing with the crowd as we attempted to head to esplanade. In the end, we just gave up, jestyn's dad gave us a lift to amk, and we settled for our usual routine, drinking coffee. Haha. Nam, joined us back at weiyis and had a bloody hilarious night playing bridge and laughing at everything. Knocked out on the couch, and again when I came home. Really treasure those guys, went through so much with them, hope we will still hang out and drink our kopi-o in the years to come.
So would like to wish all a very Happy New Year. May the year be filled with blessings and good times for all. Wanna shout out a big thank you to all the people I know for being a part of my life and bringing colour to it. Shall not bore all with the huge long list of names, just know that all of you are truly appreciated in my heart. Have a good year ahead, and enjoy the times to come. Take Care.

Crazy Days

2006-12-09T21:55:00.000+08:00

The last few days have been so crazy, hardly slept and just kept late nighst all the way. will blog n detail another time, if I even do, now am just too tired, shall give a brief recap. Wed had prom, which was q a fun affair, though rather lacking in some aspects. Then went out with class, reached home at like 7+am, slept a while, then met the exco for dinner. Headed to weiyis house for mahjong where we played like almost 12 hours of it, until around 8.30am the next day. Forced myself home and had late night gaming session at my house with choon n yeek, wow. Had a super fun breakfast talking and mimicking the nuances of some of the more colourful characters we know, laughed till my stomach hurt like siao. Well, I guess I do have to get my rest, leaving for Hong Kong at 6.30 in the morn, will update more when I get back, take care all=p.

________

2006-11-30T19:36:00.000+08:00

Just like the title, I am feeling sort of empty since the end of the As. I did expect this, but well, the truth of the reality stings. Haha. Have not really been doing anything, seems like there is nothing worth doing at all! argh. Have just been going out and stuff, so just been bumming around essentially, haha, have to really find something worthwhile to do. Went to the community centre today, wanted to check out if they have any foreign language classes available, unfortnately there were none. Oh well, did not hurt to try. Shall just settle with relearning my jap I guess.

Been staying up late and watching those late night tv programmes. And watching the Amazing Race really reminds me of how much I wish to travel around the world. Wonder if I can actually accomplish that. Money being the main issue, the other problem of time plays an integral part as well. Hopefully can squeeze out the time after army or maybe during uni, haha, then again I am overstepping myself and bordering on wishful dreaming. Well, does not hurt to wish though.

Am looking forward to Hong Kong, at least there is something tangible to do, rather than rot at home. Oh, for those truly bored here is a cool website to go, thanks to Heng Li Seng, lol. www.weffriddles.com, do enjoy. I shall be off to amuse myself, take care people, until next time=p

Almost there

2006-11-16T20:38:00.000+08:00

Am taking a break from my break at the moment to update this dusty blog, haha, sorry for that pathetic attempt at a joke. Well, the A levels have been rather satisfactory I suppose, on the whole most papers were doable, so I do hope that they will turn out fine. Haha. Most of the class will end tomorrow, except the lit and S paper people, how saddening. Am just very worried about my S papers, doubt I will even get a merit. Though these few days have not really been studying that much, the mood seems to have dwindled with the start of the As. Even went out shopping yesterday. Came back with quite a decent haul, so was very very pleased about it. Am kind of guiltly though for the amount spent, but oh well, as Mum always says, most important is to be happy. Haha. Ok I guess I should do something for the papers tomorrow, especially with that dreaded pc paper. Does not help that we are quarantined, haiz. Until the 22nd then, nights people. 6 more days!

Back For A Bit

2006-10-27T22:19:00.000+08:00

I wonder if anyone even bothers coming to visit my blog anymore, haha. Just am so lazy to update, or rather no motivation or interest to. Recently have been staying in school to mug with the rest of the class, been a lot of fun, especially with all the lameness and all from Darren and the other people. The pressure does not seem that intense, which frankly does not bode well, am just looking forward to the aftermath of it all, lol. Must concentrate, cannot go on like this! Haha. Anyway got my enlistment letter, going in on 13th Jan, not much longer can I enjoy the taste of freedom and have hair. Oh well, it is all part of the growing up I guess, cannot go against it, so may as well just make the best out of it. Shall return to studying, hopefully I will update sometime in the near future=p. Take Care!

Conversations over coffee, tea, and ice-cream

2006-09-27T22:56:00.000+08:00

It has been a busy busy week after the prelims, but thankfully is not with the books this time. Haha. Ended the prelims with two traumatising papers on friday, then headed to town with Ying Ying. Was freaking bored, since I had no one to go out with, called Weiyi and thankfully he was willing to come out, got Chew and Nam also. So walked around for like an hour before they came, don't know why just sudeenly felt so tired after a while. Went to kobayashi for dinner, Nam could not come in the end, then walked a little while more. Went all the way to Tanglin mall, haha, then since we were at a loss over what to do, we did our usual, go drink coffee. Took a bus headed to Ang Mo Kio, but stopped midway at pratahouse there, and ended up having coffee and dim sum. Really enjoy the times spent with Chew and Weiyi, just find it very relaxing where we just chat and talk about old times.

Saturday was spent at home playing, then ZY called to go for dinner. So got pig to join us, then Yk came as well. Had dim sum at marina square, was really good. Then as usual, did not know what to do so walked around, then came over to my place for bridge, what's new huh. Despite it being a simple activity, still had a lot of fun, though was losing, haha.

Sunday was church, then mahjong at Raymond and Tina's. Won money, yay, haha, obviously am happy about it. So long never play liao, finally got to satisfy the craving. Man, I'm like some addict, super deprived or something. Haha.

The past two days was spent with the class, yesterday had a greata time at pasir ris park cycling, though was super deserted. Kept raining and stopping, so was damn irritating as we had to stop cycling each time it rained. Zuoyi and Darren as usual were being their crazy and weird selves, and Zihua certainly did not help with all her lame and no link jokes. Ended the day with zi cha at elias mall and ice cream at airport, really thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Today was shopping in Orchard, in an attempt to source for our prom outfits. Managed to find some decent stuff, but nothing very outstanding, guess have to continue to try and hunt, not much time left though.

Still am in denial over having to return to school tomorrow. Totally no mood to don that beige uniform and wake at 6.30 in the morn. Oh well, shall resign myself to my fate, guess shall be off to bed soon, but will play abit more before the work sets in. Good luck to all, and take care. Nights!

Reflections

2006-09-22T00:55:00.000+08:00

Well, the prelims are finally over, or rather will be for me in approximately 16 hours. While most of my friends are up late playing or just relaxing at home, I am up still wondering how exactly do I study for S papers. I have resigned myself to attempting some maths S questions which I find almost impossible and just cramming chem knowledge into that thick skull of mine. Haha. Shall just go in and have fun later, not really bothered anyway.

Just thinking about the state I am in, and some of the friednships I have. Can't help but think that I am not a good a friend as I would like myself to be, and seem to find a certain lack of fulfillment in the relationships I have with people. Perhaps is my asking too much, or the way I behave and express myself, so I have been told. I don't know, sometimes I guess is I read too much into things, and that often turns out negatively for me. Maybe am simply thinking too much and all, can't help feeling that I don't really have that close friends and such, well I do have close friends, but I mean those that you would really pour your heart to. And somehow I tend to feel that I do not really belong in groups of people, where I just cannot fit in and am like an outsider. Wonder if I really need help in my EQ and all, haiz, just don't man, seems that I am really dysfunctional huh, my life is all in shambles and stuff. Maybe I shouldn't think about this for now.

Anyway, I should get back to the books and salvage what I can of the absolute mess I am in. Haha, goodnight and sleep tight.

I can't think of a suitable title

2006-09-17T17:52:00.000+08:00

Well, a week has passed since the start of the prelims, and frankly has not been good, shan't dwell on it though, what's past is past, can't do anything to help it, can only pray that I can salvage the remaining papers. Haha.

Now am at Raymond and Tina's place, got sucked into coming here at the prospect of mahjong, but in the end didn't play, I just slept, totally forgot the wonderful comfortable experience of sleeping at their place. Their home will be like a model for my place next time, haha. Now am stuck here cause of a heavy downpour, darn, am so screwed man. Guess, have to work through the night.

Nothing much to blog about, life these days is seriously boring, no activity at all, so sad life we students lead. Now just waiting for the prelims to end and get a short break. Shall leave it here for now, take good care.

Back for a bit

2006-09-05T01:42:00.000+08:00

Ok, once again, shall not attempt to make any excuses for my long absence, just been lazy. So, prelims have started with the completion of the GP paper. Can't say that it went very well, hopefully won't get too shabby a grade.

Life has been alright I suppose. Have not really been studying, distracted by the things around me, better get into it man, not much time left and still have quite a bit to go. Other than that, activity-wise, nothing very interesting, teachers' day, birthdays etc, standard fair. Went for the PSC seminar after Family 3 on saturday. Family was an ok affair, not that big a crowd though. PSC was the opposite, huge turnout, and as expected like virtually made up of RJ and HCI peeps. Nice to catch up with same familiar but long unseen faces. Kind of still undecided with what I want to do with my life, so ya, got to really do some searching and reflection-soon.

Guess I should be going, do some late night revision. Perhaps will be back soon, perhaps not. Until next time, do take care.

Happy Birthday Singapore

2006-08-09T21:20:00.000+08:00

Ok, this is a long overdue entry. So, finally back on this national day, so here's a happy birthday to Singapore.

Life has been alright I suppose, how else can it be ya. Haha, been slacking too much, really need to start getting fired up and motivated, cannot continue being like that, will fail my prelims if I do. School is kinda getting to me as usual, wish that all the syllabus and tutorials get done and I can stay home to do my own revision.

Been going out quite a bit, celebrated birthdays and all. Went to Manhattan Fish Market for Yuxuan's birthday, great place, great food, great company, the portion was really huge, I shared the seafood platter with Yuxuan and we could not finish it. Then was Straits Kitchen at Hyatt two days later for Jestyn's and Yuxuan's(again). The food there was excellent, especially the Indian, my gosh, really savoured every bite, haha.

Yesterday was national day celebrations in school, kinda waste of time. Went out with Chiew Shan, Darren, Yawan and Kar Fu for breakfast at cine, then met the gang for lunch. Shopped a while during out wait for the latecomers, and Jonny as usual, was late by an hour. Went to food republic for lunch, then party world for karaoke. Been quite a while since we went crazy singing.

Well, guess I should be going off to study, or at least do some wk, hopefully won't stray away and end up playing, haha. Take care peeps, cya.

A day of reminiscience and fun.

2006-07-22T23:44:00.000+08:00

Woke up late today, was suppose to meet the guys at 12, got up at like 11.10, rushed like crazy, bathed and dressed. reached somerset mrt at around 12.07, and turned out I was the earliest. As usual the others, ie Weiyi, Chew and Nam were damn late, arrived at 1, so the rest of us were seated there for almost an hour waiting for them, goodness. Basically was a council gathering, the 2004 and 2005 exco, been quite a while since we all met up. Went for lunch at Cartel, talked and caught up on gossip and all. Haha, what's new. After that had like such a difficult time deciding what to do, ended up in food republic having coffe after walking around like stupid idiots.

The year 2s then came my house. Jes started on the com, the other 3 lunged for my bed, watch a little tv, then started on Finding Nemo. Those three ah, especially that Nam with his sick mind, have no idea what they were doing lah, up to you all to imagine. Haha. Movie ended, so went to the hall to continue, we watched the CHMA 2004 and the performance at Esplanade as well, nice to see the old times again. Concluded with them pouring over my yearbook and be the horny, deprived guys that they are. Had a great time today, which is always the case when I'm with these guys. Am so glad to have friends like them, nothing could beat all the times we had, the work and fun, haha, guess that was one good thing I got from council.

The guys just left not long ago, so ya, did not expect this gathering to end this late, have to get down to work. As much as I would like to indulge in the fun and laughter, life still goes on, and that sucks big time. So off to my tutorials, take care everyone.

And I have never felt this way before.

2006-07-20T22:12:00.000+08:00

Let's see, been more than a week since I last posted an entry, will not even bother making excuses, just been too lazy and guess did not want to blog. Life has been...out of sorts would be the most apt term I can think of. Maybe it is just me, but have not really been who I am, or rather, been living behind a facade, as always.

YCS camp was a good getaway for the weekend, albeit the severe lack of sleep. Did enjoy the company, although the familiarity is somewhat gone. First time I really poured my heart into my sharing, despite me being kinda reluctant to share initially. But what the heck, wondered if anyone did listen to what I said, oh well, nevermind. That particular chapter of my life is over, the one where I slogged and did an almost thankless job, and the pain is left behind. Yet, part of me misses it, and also longs for the old times, but again, it will never be that way again. Will miss the people though, the one thing that made everything else seem worthwhile.

Time is running short, and we are constantly reminded of it. I am seriously starting to get worried, and that is not a good thing. Still can recall during sec4 when I did not really even bother about the O's; now, it seems that the tension is getting to me. Hate it when I behave like that and start to get panicky and all, need to keep myself in check man. Guess is looking at the reality of my life, I fear that the dream of me studying overseas drifts further and further. I think I can understand now why my personality tests all say I am high-strung and that I do not really get along with people well. Maybe should just be a loner huh. Haha.

Shall not dwell in this languishing mood and get moving. Work still has to be done, life goes on.

Success is never final, Failure is never fatal, Courage is what counts- Sir Winston Churchhill

Fever

2006-07-11T00:26:00.000+08:00

Guess everyone must still be suffering the effects of the fever, world cup that is. School this morning was filled with zombified people, everyone was like half dead and totally drained. Not surprisingly, we typical lazy Victorians, took the opportunity of the good sailing results to chant our usual half day. And we got it, school was dismissed at 12+. Damn glad for it, all of head headed home to sleep after class. Some of the gang came over last night to watch, was fun but freaking tired, so I slept. Only caught several moments of the match, haha, but never mind, i'm fine with it, saw the important parts at least.

With results slowly streaming in, the realisation of the the time left is slowly dawning. A lot of work has to be done to salvage the abyssmal grades. Am really quite worried, considering that I have a lot to catch up on. Haiz, and this does not even include my S papers. Oh well, never mind, shall start putting in effort, cannot get by with my usual last minute work like the O levels. Now taking a break from work, must say that it does feel quite good to be oblivious to everything and just be immersed in work, there is a certain sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

Shall go back to my tutorials, still have a lot more to go. Take care all, do catch up on sleep. Nights.

Of Life, Death and Family Politics

2006-07-08T21:04:00.000+08:00

And so, the papers are over. Relieved? That I am, but well, isn't that much to look forward to anyway. Went out for dinner with Hao Jin, Liz and Chen Mu after that. It was really nice, small group, quite comfortable and just relaxing, sometimes beats the bustle of huge groups. Walked around window shopping, had a bad run-in with an over enthusiastic saleswoman. Highlight was the 50% off at Venetzia(hmmm, the spelling seems wrong), $2 for 2 scoops, man, how good a deal was that.

Today had to wake early to go to church. Wedding went quite well, didn't screw up that much, thank goodness. What made my day was ferd(my choir master) telling me that my voice has improved, was elated to hear that. Made my way to town, spent like 2 hours in art friend trying to crazk my brain for gift ideas and buying the materials. Was kind of pissed that they never restock the wooden alphabet that I wanted, so ya had to change my gift plans. Weiyi joined me after that, walked around a little, nice to just relax and all.

Tonight had grandma's birthday party. What can I say, another typical family gathering. Me getting bored to death, relatives acting cordial, some just turn up to show face, others just not bothering to even come. Haiz, sometimes really feel my extended family is really dysfunctional. Family politics are just so disgusting, really cannot stand it. Grandparents already getting on with the years, yet some people just refuse to swallow their pride and turn up to even send their regards. Man, it is your mum's birthday, like what the hell man. And some just come to show off, or just annoy people and everything. I really do not know how many more of such family gatherings I can tolerate.

The reality of my grandparents' passing seems even more real with each gathering. I really have no idea how I will react when it does happen, nor do I wish to think of the chaos it will cause in the family. Had only experience death once, which was my maternal grandfather. I was still very young then, can still remember the innocent me, was asking my mum at the wake, why was there a sign for a late person outside the room, how dumb could I get. Now...shall not think about this depressing matter further.

Life goes on as usual, as much as we don't want to. Still does not seem that school has started and that the prelims are actually looming quite close. Really do not wish to be enwrapped in all the high level tension and stress. Oh well, shall just handle it when it comes, nothing much to add, just seriously bored and all right now. Goodbye.

Just one more

2006-07-06T20:58:00.000+08:00

While people are getting back papers, with the year 1s having received most of their results by now, here I am still struggling to study for my last paper physics. Frankly am in no mood, don't really give a damn actually, but then again, that is just me deceiving myself. Cannot stop doing tt can I. Took my maths paper yesterday, and got it back today. Well, did decently I suppose, but well, am somewhat disapoointed, did not do as well as I wished to I guess, but can't do anything about it now. Chem today was quite horrendous, heard all about it, but sitting for it was altogether a different experience. This was the first time that I could not finish a paper. Would be glad to get an average grade for this paper. Tomorrow is physics, and ya it is my most dreaded paper. My on/off subject, with grades fluctuating from A to D. Also not very prepared, which definitely will not help me, will it? Haha, oh well, should be heading back to the notes, so until tomorrow, goodnight.

Shopping Bug

2006-07-03T20:40:00.000+08:00

Ok, I have caught a serious shopping bug, probably due to my escapades in the US, where I can admit that I am really ashamed at the disgusting amount which I spent. Am feeling quit guilty about it, but well, just shall try to save more now. But, have been going around, and seriously, there is a lot of stuff which I want to buy. Man, just so freaking tempting, and I do have the money, though not a lot, will leave me broke, but still, the longing is so great. Haha, oh well, shall not concern myself with such as of yet, must get back to the studying, which is really driving me crazy. Haiz, someone please please help me! ok, goodbye for now.

Siblinghood

2006-06-30T21:40:00.000+08:00

Basically was going out to buy lunch, then saw this image which really really struck me. There was this guy, prob in his late teens, quite tall, in general a rather strapping fellow, on a skate scooter fetching this boy, whom i presume is his little brother, home. Just try to picture the image, two guys on a skate scooter, with the bigger guy carrying those big square bags typical of primary school children. The first reaction that it should trigger is a laugh from ya, but then when you ponder over it, it is a rather sweet and affectionate gesture. Maybe it is just me, haha, but felt that it was quite a rare sight. How many big brothers would actually put their dignity aside and ride a skate scooter to fetch his litle brother. Haha, what a show of sibling love. It brought to mind the picture of chew fetching his younger brother from school, couldn't stop laughing. (Sorry chew for the reference, hope you don't mind)

That led me to think the role of siblings in this modern world, where it is not uncommon to have no love lost between them. Little siblings tend to have the uncanny abilty to irk the hell out of their older siblings, at least i knew i was like that when i was younger. haha. But was thinking, it is kinda nice to have a younger brother or sister sometimes. I mean, it is satisfying to have someone to show the ropes to, to have a hand in bringing up, and even show off to your friends. That is, if your younger sibling does not turn out to be some complete loser. Just kidding. At least I hope I am the above mentioned to my brother, not the complete loser part, the previous one.

On the other hand, it is also nice to be the child of the family. Tend to be spoilt more and given more, haha, i am guilty of that, though when I was younger always felt that my parents preferred my brother. But ya, the feeling of being doting and cared for is something that one definitely cannot get enough of. Not hinting to some people I known who has their sister buying ipods for them and showering them with gifts. haha, ok, sorry for that pique of jealously. Coming back to the topic in question, ok, you may ask what is the topic exactly, hmm, actually, I do not know myself. haha, ok, was just a random entry, guess mainly saying to treasure your siblings, blah blah blah, don't want to overload on all the moral bullshit, but ya, just treat your siblings well, you never know when you just might need them.

So guess that was my break from my studying, if I had been studying. Was a mistake to go Borders yesterday, ended up buying books and now am totally unable to put it down, screwed up man. But ya, at least is money well spent, do recommend the book I'm currently reading, is 'The Engish Harem' by Anthony McCarten, can get it from the 3 for 2 section in Borders. Ok, I should get going. Take care all.

Finally Blogging

2006-06-30T08:53:00.000+08:00

So much has changed, yet nothing is different. Life still resumes, as much as we don't want it to. As torn as i am, the option of choice just isn't there, so as usual, got to suck it up and move on. Will take me too long to blog in detail about gylc, so ya, if u want to know anything just ask. Will put the link up for photos soon, so keep glued to this spot ya.

Managed to postpone 3 of my papers to next week, not too sure if it is a good thing, but at least it gives some time to study. Took GP and Lit this week, not too bad i think? hopefully can do decent, shan't dwell on it though.

oh, forgot to mention, finally stepped down from YCS exco last sat, so now i'm a free man. woohoo. haha, well, at least that period of my life is over, am thankful for that. but tougher things are to come, so shall just wait and see.

Am too tired to really blog properly, hell, nowadays just find it tiresome to upkeep this space. for all you know you may come here one day and see error 404. oh well, forgive me for my random and incoherent musings. take care all.

2006-06-28T22:34:00.000+08:00

I have so much to say, so much on my mind. But i am unable to pen it down. not as of yet.

Back, with much reluctance.

2006-06-26T01:30:00.000+08:00

Ok, so came back on sat morn 1am, just 2 days ago. and man, really want to go back to the U.S and not come home to the work and exams. haiz. Really mis my group mates and all, had a blast of a time at GYLC, totally did not regret going for it. Shall blog more in depth after the mid yrs, which i am going to fail, now have to attempt to salvage what i can. doesn't help that my body clock is totally screwed up and that i am kinda jet lagged. well, till next time. see ya.

I love my class!

2006-06-09T23:12:00.000+08:00

I hereby declare that S43 totally rocks! haha, we may be like the slackest and 'dumbest' but hell, we have the most fun man. I mean, which other class weaves a whole storyline involving everyone and starts laughing at every little thing. spastic though it may be, but well, it does a lot for bonding.

today headed to school for maths make up, was late, but when i entered the class, only had like 5 ppl, omg. at the end, like more than half the class ponned. typical. went to parkway with zihua, chiew shan and darren for breakfast cum lunch and study. laughed like crazy especially with zihua's random and senseless comments. here's a few quotes:

on vegetarians and plants. "Isn't it more cruel to eat something that cannot struggle than something that can?"

on her slow eating. "Why be fast when you can be slow?"

and many more. had a great time in BK crapping and studying. Yawen and Daniel joined soon after. Continued trying to study, halfway through we had a conversation of uni courses and that lead to us picturing each other 10 years down the road. here are some of what we thought of.

Atiqah- Tai Tai
Chin Chong- Accountant
Daniel- Chinese Teacher, haha, nah, lecturer
Janice- erm clueless
and lots more, had a good laugh trying to place people in careers and all, wonder how many will actually come true.

anyway, am leaving in like 30+ hours time, kinda excited, though worried about my midyrs, but well, screw them. haha. ok lah, nothing much to say, may blog another entry later. See ya.

2006-06-06T16:15:00.000+08:00

AN INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT
By Jack Yianitsas, Laws Of Success.

Do you want something? - Will you pay the price?

The great sin - Gossip.
The great crippler - Fear.
The greatest mistake - Giving up.
The most satisfying experience - Doing your duty first.
The best action - Keep the mind clear and judgment good.
The greatest blessing - Good health.
The biggest fool - The man who lies to himself.
The great gamble - Substituting hope for facts.
The most certain thing in life - Change.
The greatest joy - Being needed.
The cleverest man - The one who does what he thinks is right.
The most potent force - Positive thinking.
The greatest opportunity - The next one.
The greatest thought - God.
The greatest victory - Victory over self.
The best play - Successful work.
The greatest handicap - Egotism.
The most expensive indulgence - Hate.
The most dangerous man - The liar.
The most ridiculous trait - False pride.
The greatest loss - Loss of self confidence.
The greatest need - Common sense.

2006-06-04T21:56:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Canterbury tales

2006-05-28T22:39:00.000+08:00

been an eternity since i have blogged, guess many would think i probably would like this blog rot and fade away into oblivion. unfortunately, that will not happen, think can hear some groans already. haha. too bad!

ok, so updates on life. moved home and loving it. lolx. have a cosy room, so not complaining. still getting used to my house though, quite different. also have some stuff outstanding to buy, so things are not complete, hopefully can settle everything within these few weeks.

really do not have much to blog about. went to watch the canterbury tales last night at dbs arts centre, man was it a good show. really recommend it to all. translated and adapted into modern english, it was filled with humour(albeit a little dirty), and excellent acting. we totally burst out into laughter like every other line, not forgetting when the three actors burst out in a line, "the tree!". was really worth my $20.

so the holidays have started. finally i should say. planning to start my mugging tmr, or at least attempt to. really have to study like crazy, no time at all, especially since i am going gylc. oh well, never mind, shall do what i can.

anyway shall be going now, want to have an early night. take care all, sleep tight.

After a long hiatus...

2006-05-16T13:50:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps, i am back. real sorry for not updating for ages. cos my internet has been down and have not been able to go online. now am in the school library and catching up on my emails and all. Life has been decent these past weeks, can'y say anything more than that. fatigue, weariness, monotony, the usual routine, yet despite it being so, there has been moments of enjoyment and all, so ya, life is ok.

been busy with unpacking and cleaning all the past few days. but well, am certainly looking forward to moving back home after an agonising 75, now 76 days. haha. now left the final touchups, so should be back in my own room this wkend. and my dad got me a tv in my own room. yay! damn happy, thanks pa!=p ok, am just going crazy.

not in the right frame of mind to do a proper entry, so shall leave it at that. until the next time people. take care!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BARRY BRO!
dun think u'll be reading this but ya, enjoy this blessed day of yours.

so long.

Just yet another entry.

2006-04-29T00:07:00.000+08:00

So. Another weekend, and a long one at that. Yay, happiness. ok, just here to type a short entry before I hit the sack.

Thurs I went to donate blood. The waiting, pricking and all was rather nerve-recking. The needle for drawing the blood was rather huge. Since I am not particularly fond of needles, I did not really look when she pierced that thing in. Haha. But in all did not hurt as much as I thought it would, all thanks to the anastaetic(I have a feeling I spelt it wrongly). Might consider doing it another time. Lolx.

Today went for table tennis finals. Was a seriously apprehensive event. Each ball was cause of massive screams, cheers, even gasps of anxiety. At the end of the day, we lost to RJ. Again. But it is ok, I am proud of the VJ table tennis girls, you all were superb! Kudos to all of you. Headed back to school for drama nite after that.

The PT was totally filled, almost a sold ut i think, or maybe not. Two plays were staged, the forst being black comedy. Shall not give a full review, shall just offer my two cents worth. The concept of the play was good, and the script was rather adequately written, albeit a little lacking and weird at parts. The main flaw was the actors' tendency to overact and over-dramatise, and the comic timing was a little lacking. But on the whole was a good laugh, especially with Mr Dax Young putting up an excellent performance.

The second, Bridge to Terabithia, however was a tad disappointing. It was beautiful I must say, with a great script and good lead, but the emotional intensity just was not there I felt? Some of the symbols and links were not brought out well, and some of the supporting cast were perhaps inexperienced? Overall was not a bad piece, did manage to tug a few of my heartstrings, but have to honestly say needs working on to have hopes of getting gold for SYF. All the way VJ drama!

Shall take my leave now. Until next time. nights.

Sinking

2006-04-26T18:22:00.000+08:00

Has been more than a week since I have last blogged. Sorry people, just have not really had the mood and all. But then again, wonder how many people actually do read this blog, not many, going by the tags that I receive. haha.

Let's just recap on what went on the past week. Friday had stayover at weiyi's, to celebrate his birthdya. Was really great to see everyone again. Really miss each other's company and just hanging out, doing lame and crappy stuff. Did have a good time, albeit everyone was damn tired and we ended up not playing much. Fell asleep and woke up late, so had to take a cab down to church. wedding went ok, just want to comment that the reception was heavenly. Food was fantastic, with champagne and all, was totally woah! haha, ate my fill man, the $12 cab fare was well worth it.

Then went to dance concert at night. Did enjoy the performances, was quite impressed with some of them. Only one was the teachers performance which left me quite traumatised. haha. Is not really a pretty sight seeing male teachers in translucent tutus and dancing ballet with fans. Recalling the image still gives me the chills. Kudos to the dance club, u all did great.

Sunday church, then lunch as usual. After that went to town with my parents to shop for stuff for the house. Happiness. haha. Bought an LCD TV dad's room(though I could have 1 in my room). Then headed to buy chairs for the room. Had quite a fun time choosing my study chair, though was quite a tough choice. haha. Headed home after dinner, and just bummed around. haha.

Yesterday went for free cone day at ben and jerrys with classmates. Damn Fun. Free ice-cream, like why not? haha, ended up queuing twice, yum yum. Service was fast, so yea, had my fill. They should have more free cone days.

Well, school and all have been going rather well I guess, can't say otherwise. Just trying to get into the mugging mood, and just stop myself from sinking into bouts of depression. Must change the way I am. haha, oh well, whatever. ok, off to dinner and work. Take care all!

Giving Up

2006-04-18T23:17:00.000+08:00

Sometimes life just kicks you in the face and leaves you for dead.

I know I have said it countless times, I really feel like giving up sometimes, to just lay it all down. Do you not ever wonder, what in the world are you living for, what are you fighting for? Material wealth? Financial and emotional stability? Results? How much do they actually matter at the end, what use are they when it all boils down? The futility of struggling on just seems so apparent, and it is all too tempting to throw in the towel and call it quits.

I did just that last night. Coming home from PS(thanx jun chuan for accompanying me there and providing compainionship. haha), I had my dinner, bathed and slept. I could not be bothered with work or what not. I just slept. It seemed like the right thing, I was really too drained from everything, from having to be concerned with so much shit and all, I gave up. Literally. Waking up at 1.15am, I actually pondered getting down to my work, but in the end, I decided against it. However, I do not regret it. I think we do need to have some of such moments, where we literally just forget all that plague and worry us, and have a well deserved rest. In life, we spend so much time struugling with all our burdens, and always adding on to them, that we never seem to heed the needs of our own selves. Maybe it is time that we listen to our hearts and souls, and cut ourselves some slack for once.

Perhaps it is an unrealistic wish on my part. I am not saying that we should always just give in and not fight for what we want, but rather, to not constantly be caught up in that pursuit for success that we are blinded to everything else. Stuggling to cope with our lives, to plough through the trials and tribulations, to just survive is a daunting task, but as much as we would like to at times, we cannot succumb, we must fight on. That is a mindset that I have to ingrain in that thick skull of mine. Only when we go through rough patches, can we then emerge stronger and tougher. One cannot go through life unscathed, rather face them now and be better prepared than later and have utterly no clue as to what to do.

We cannot do this on our own, we have to reply on others. And there is no one better than the one above. Trust in God, do things by his strength and not ours. This is something which I have to incessantly remind myself. Too often are we relying on our own strength and forgetting that there He is always waiting to help us. Do not take for granted the people beside you as well, they play an integral part of your life, aiding in times of trouble and peril. I thank all who have always been there and supporting me through this journey, without you all, I doubt I would have made it this far. But I must learn to stand on my own, to place more trust in myself and not ride on the strength of others. Cynical I may be, I have learnt that sometimes, it just does not pay to have too much faith in people and rely on them. You will just end up getting hurt. Too often has it happen, I cannot let it go on.

We all are fallible.

Broken

2006-04-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

What can I say, life is unfair ain't it. has always been the case, will always be. in the words of Bing Sheng, how many blows can a person take before the person collapses? that is a question i myself have asked numerous times. it depends doesn't it. i have been hit so many times, i have grown numb to it, but who knows, one day i may not be able to withstand it and just crumble.

haha, think some of you may be wondering just what the hell u am rambling about. project work results were released yesterday, and what can i say, it was a blow to most of the school. the percentage of band 1s and 2s dropped by about 5%, from around 99 to 94. most classes had only a handful of people getting band 1s, not many. only 1 class had a discrepency, but nevermind, shall not dwell on that. my class only had 1 person, kudos to her. however, for the rest of us, was a total disappointment. there were people getting band 3 as well, and i feel that they totally do not deserve it, hell, we all do not deserve this shit. we slogged and laboured like dogs, all for what, for that stupid subject which was supposed to instil creative thinking skills and equip us with knowledge and other abilities to be better able to survive in the working society. like hell that was achieved.

nevermind, i shall not continue with my lambasting. just have to accept it, just that it is too hard a pill to swallow. after the short day of school, had sports day. it was so amusing the measures the school employed to keep the students in. mr seet and other teachers were patrolling outside school. parents coming in were questioned by the security guard, there was even a girl, after her mum drove out was stopped and she had to return to school. talk about embarassing! ran for sports day at yawens insistence. ran like shit, freaking slow. oh well, whatever, never had any expectations. kinda given hope on myself anyway. overall, sports day was ok, atmosphere was not there, cannot place why though.

after that took a cab down to church for mass. was usual, joined the angelus choir, sang with them. after that went home, nothing much, had an early night, cause was very very tired.

do not really have anything to blog about. have no idea why i am always so drained these days. looking forward to easter vigil tomorrow night, love the canticle choir to bits! shall retire early. goodnight.

Spiritual Day

2006-04-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

Well, today had spiritual day, and what i went through was again another whole myriad of feelings and emotions. watching the passion of the Christ really got me thinking of the great price that Jesus paid for us, of how much He really loves us. yet, in our lives, we find it so hard to love others, and even love ourselves.

i know i face a problem of loving myself, and it has been an issue i have always been grappling with. been trying to change, but things never fail to make me doubt myself, to deem myself unworthy and all. have really trying to accept and love myself, but somehow, i just fail?

haiz, really need to change. cannot let myself, others and most importantly God down. i must always remember, God loves me, and if He could have died for me, loving a sinner like me, what more can be said of me? I want to thank all my friends who always have faith in me and constantly remind me to accept myself, it really means a lot 2 me. thank u.

i shall leave now, and again reminding myself, God loves me, and it is only right that i show the same love to myself.

update

2006-04-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

ok, since lik khian pointed out to me that i have not updated my blog for some time, here i am to put up an entry. first up, life as of now. hmmm, what i say, same old same old. nothing much, not doing that great, but well could be worse ya. haha, how ambivalent, as always. school is boring as usual, but well, starting to enjoy some of the lessons, at least trying to convince myself that i am. haha. though i dread going school every morn, literally shuffling my way in, and looking as if my world has collapsed on me. lolx. cannot go on like this, must make the most of everyday ya, haha, how cliched.

quite upset over the renovation progress. haiz. was at first supposed to be completed on 12 april, but now, has been extended to 15 may, argh, pissed. now have to continue suffering here. you have absolutely how torturous it is to sleep in the same room as your parents, and bear with your dad's snores every night, causing you to be unable to sleep. it is freaking irritating to have no privacy and have to listen to every conversation and comment they make. oh well, better not complain i guess, just now praying that they can complete the renovation asap.

well, on to some of my random musings. i must say that it amazes me that how the human mind is able to convince itself of things that sometimes border on the ridiculous. i trust that it is not an uncommon sight to see people going on and on about something, just trying to make up excuses for their choices in certain matters or what have you. we get so caught up believing what we are doing is right, and simply refuse to listen to others, even when what they say makes absolutely sense. i have some experiences to illicit this, but guess shall not, haha.

what i think is worse is those situations when one knows the truth, and yet continues speaking the opposite with much conviction, to try and convince oneself that what one is saying is right. and soon it comes to the point where one really believes in what one says. that is truly a scary situation, just think how horrifying it can be. say for instance one convinces oneself that it is ok to kill another if there is a valid reason. soon the person may become utterly numb to killing and that is a terrible consequence.

oh well, i have no idea what i am talking about. seriously tired after a long day of school and tuition. haha, shall scoot to study for spa, and attempt some work. until next time. so long

Life again

2006-03-27T23:15:00.000+08:00

ok, been ages since i have blogged, too lazy guess. haha. so well, school has started and struggling to get into the routine again. just can't seem to have the energy to drag myself to school and all, don't know man. so tired everyday and the work never does decrease does it.

getting back common tests, did not do well, expected. now quite troubled over the matter of S papers. fear that they may force me drop my maths S. as for chem S mrs yik talked to me today, and she does not recommend me to continue, but i want to. so how? if i do continue, and my results do not improve by ct2, then i have to drop, thereby wasting $52 registration fee, how? argh, frustrated.

oh well, guess just plough on foor now. hope i can change for the better. no mood to blog, so shall say goodbye for now.

Looking into the mirror

2006-03-18T23:40:00.000+08:00

When you look in the mirror, just what exactly do you see? somehow whom you are proud of; whom you love; whom you are satisfied with, or someone whom you love to loathe; whom you criticise; whom you are always finding faults with?

on my part i guess i fall into the second category? guess i am never one who finds myself ever good enough, always self doubting and even self loathing at times. you ask me to change, to alter my attitude, trust me, i have tried. i tried, i really did, but just maybe it is so deeply ingrained within me that it will take a lot more effort on my part? i do not know.

have always been told by people that i have to be more positive, look on the brighter side of things, but well, i just am unable it seems. perhaps it is just all that i have been through? that has become my excuse for everything it seems? i don't know. perhaps i just see that there isn't a brighter side to look to? the cynical and pessimistic me always seem to take charge and reign.

how ironic it is then, that i always seem to be the one dispensing words of advice and encouragement to my peers and friends. haha, more like i should just heed what i say. hypocrite. that is perhaps a suitable noun for me? it is always easier said than done, isn't it, why is it never the other way around. haha.

during the march camp, had a spiritual session which i can remember quite vividly. our speaker told us to ask ourselves, 'am i a person worth loving?' and frankly, i cannot answer a yes. in fact i would respond with a resounding no. and how about 'am i love by others?' once again, am i? i have no idea. maybe it is my paranoia taking over again, my stupid self that refuses to listen to reason. but to me, when i loook at myself, i just don't know, what is there really worth loving in me? why would others make the choice to love me, they can't gain anything from it, so why do they, that is, if they even do so.

i guess my biggest challenge is to love myself. that is a big hurdle i have to overcome. to the world i present a facade of confidence, a veneer of calm, a vestige of collectedness, or so i like to think. wonder how many have already seen through my thinly veiled disguise. ha! i am just pathetic aren't i. totally crumbling around the edges, losing grip on things when i once was so in control. my life is just falling apart.

but yet, in that session, 3 words were told to us. 'God loves you'. i know that, but how much of it do i actually believe? perhaps, as i slowly come to terms with it, that this all powerful being does love me for the flawed, sinful person i am, i can slowly love myself as well.

oh well, do forgive me for just ranting, have to unload somewhere. do take care. ciao.

March camp

2006-03-15T22:33:00.000+08:00

so just came back from march camp, was a good experience i guess. was kinda slacking throughout the entire camp, wonder why i went into the first place. haha.

for the camp was a shock to see such a huge deluge of guys. the guy to girl ratio was almost 4:1, can you imagine, too much testosterone, lol. was really glad to see so many new faces, and for once managed to remember most of the names, but think will forget in a few days. lolx.

first night, totally did not sleep, had insomnia, did not help that there was totally no space for me to sleep as well. then coupled with my sickness, added to a very cranky and grouchy me. so i apologise to all i pissed off or scared. haha. oh well nothing much to talk about lah, very tired, but cannot seem to sleep, haiz.

having school tomorrow, cannot believe that the school holidays are ending, i mean, they seem to have barely begun, especially being locked away at camp for 3 days. arghhh, i need more time for relaxation, stress getting to me.

really have to get well, sick for like 5 days, cannot go on like this. sigh. take care all, look after yourself, a lot of people falling ill. till next time.

2006-03-12T23:18:00.000+08:00

guess it is about time i updated this dusty blog of mine. so school is out, yada yada. life is boring. typical. now currently quite sick so feeling grouncy, pardon me. going camp tmr, so will cya all soon. take care, ejoy the hols.

Life

2006-03-07T23:35:00.000+08:00

sorry for not updating for so long, as mentioned before, is due to the unavailability of internet access. my dad went out to buy a new notebook today, so now, i can enjoy some online time.

anyway, the common tests have come and gone, nothing much about them, after all they are yet just another series of draining, mind-numbing papers. haha. life goes on, but feels so weird this week, like in limbo, neither here nor there, absolutely no mood to do anything. oh well, gotta force myself.

events in the past days have been rather saddening and depressing. really calls to mind the fragility and transcience of human life. shall not mention any names here, just want to wish all who are affected by it my condolences, and that be comforted that he has gone to a better place with God in heaven.

can't think of much to blog about now, life these days have been getting monotonous yet again, goota some some spark man. haha, see you all k. take good care.

Lessons on Life

2006-03-07T23:25:00.000+08:00

got this in an email, really inspiring, especially for people like me. enjoy There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away. The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen. The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment. The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up. If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall. Moral lessons: Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later

I don't know what to write here.

2006-02-26T13:29:00.000+08:00

ok, so ya, been packing like crazy, and now the whole house is empty and filled with boxes. what a sight. lolx. but well as liang hong constantly reminds me, it is for the greater good. and well, that is true. haha, really am eagerly waiting the genesis of our new home. lolx. but well, there is still a goood 6 weeks to go.

have not been studying at all. so damn screwed, only have completed physics, which is hardly anything at all. think will give up on lit, but never mind, shall see what i can do. just here to blog a short entry, so ya, here it is. shall be off now, to attempt to salvage whatever i can.

take care peeps, and all the best for common tests.=p

upset

2006-02-23T22:16:00.000+08:00

today started out fine, that is until i got to school. i lost my phone, thing is i do not know how. was using it in the car, then when i got out of the car, went to the canteen. upon putting my bag down, i realised my phone was not with me. went to check the ground, was not in sight. so called my parents to come back, was also not in the car. called my phone and it was swtich off. haiz, means it's gone. argh, damn pissed, i mean in the span of less than a minute my phone could be lost? and i'm quite certain i did not drop my phone, so where did it go? haiz, very upset now.

chem spa today was ok, not too difficult, so hopefully can do well. just came home from giving sherwin and marcus tuition. missed american idol, sad. but never mind, hope at least the boys learn something.

shall be off to study for physics spa tomorrow. take care. and pray that i can find my phone.

oh ya in the meantime, please contact me at 90125879 until i get my number back, thanks.