lifesong
Everyone needs compassion
And love that never fails
Let mercy fall on me
When everyone needs forgiveness
Kindness of the Saviour
The Hope of the nation
Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything that i believe in
Now i surrender
Shine a light in and
let the whole world see
Singing, for the glory of the risen king
Jesus, Shine a light and
let the whole world see
Singing for the glory of the risen king
Thursday, January 01, 2009
-8:41 PM
Have decided to move.
http://withinthepsyche.blogspot.com
Sunday, November 02, 2008
-8:20 PM
Been reading a couple of senior's blogs, and really feeling a little envious of the life they are having now oversea studying. Truly. It all seems so surreal and exciting, that they are experiencing so much and getting exposed to so much. Wishing that I could have the same experience. Sadly, will never have the chance. Only have myself to blame, for letting myself down and all. Just wishing and hoping...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
-10:07 PM
What happens when you feel that something is missing in your life, and you know exactly what it is that is lacking. But no matter how, you are unable to obtain what you need. There is something that I really wish I could have in my life, but it seems so elusive. Wish I could hold on to it permanently. But life never goes the way you want it.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
-12:28 PM
And so the fat lady has sung. I guess I have procrastinated long enough in updating my blog. Perhaps on some level I just do not wish to undergo the self-reflection and face all the emotions I have inside.
It has been almost a week since my return from my 17 month stint in Brunei. And frankly, I cannot say that I am all that glad that it has ended. Thing is, looking back, perhaps the only thing I have truly gained, and some of us as well, is growth, both on a physical and also a personal level. Reaching the foreign land on 23 May 2007, non of us had much idea what was in store for us. We then endured 17 months of shit, braving through unreasonable superiors' lambasting, suffering through the tough times. On some level I am sure we have all been hurt in a way.
As I have said before, I feel that I overstayed my welcome in the country. True, I had a bunch of great friends, but with time, tensions arose, and there sparked off several issues between us. Two who were close became estranged, the precise cause still cannot really be determined. And due to external factors, I got hurt by one whom I respected, and we never really recovered from the incident. We all got pissed at each other some point or another, but we had each other, and at the end, we still were the armour boys. I cannot say I did not wish things had turned out differently, that we could all be a close bunch, tightly knitted, inseparable, but life always has a way of undermining your expectations.
I made friends whom I would never have met in my life. From Fadhli to Hidayat, from Zhen Chiang to Han Keat, the myriad of people that passed through the camp was an eye opener if anything. Do not think I would have made so many Malay friends in my life otherwise, and be close to some of them at that. And is always the unlikely, when you are not looking things happen. Grew close to people, and slowly the friendship blossoms. And when it is time to part, it makes it so much more difficult. It was how as DY asked me during my interview with me. He asked what was the best thing and the worst thing about being there. And I said they were both the same thing- the people.
They are the ones, the only ones you can turn to for support in that land, but sometimes you cannot expect them to understand. As much as they are immersed in the same environment, there are some issues which they just cannot comprehend. Think I am ranting a little too much, but is from a very personal level that I am saying this. Would have to admit that in the last few months I became somewhat cloistered, hiding myself from the world. Got a little cynical and all, and just did not want to be hurt anymore. I could have gone about differently, but what is done is done. No point my harping about it.
The 17 months saw us experiencing much, many firsts. Be it work wise, or personal life, we learnt much. From decorating the Jerudong Hall, to the road trips, I would not have changed anything that I went through. But I would not wish to repeat it again. From the planning of Christmas function, to the manning of the karaoke system, to office work, to cleaning arms, life was varied to say the least.
I cannot say that I left the place happy, but I guess it is time that that chapter of my life ended. It has been a tulmultous journey, but one that I appreciate. I have gleaned much, experienced much, suffered much, and hopefully I have grown. There is much that I still have inside, but it is too painful to say. It was hard to leave, the tears were hard to hold back, even now thinking about it brings much sadness to me. Thank you Brunei for everything, but so long. It has been somewhat a fun ride, but once is more than enough.
Just once.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
-7:51 PM
As the month draws to a close, the realisation strikes that my departure is imminent. And once again, the whole array of emotions wells up. Is really a whole plethora of mixed feelings, wonder how I will actually be on the day of my leaving.
Life has been ok so far i guess, nothing really of interest happening. Just that sometimes things have not been exactly easy for me. Is the feeling of becoming detached and all, and the pining gets a little unbearable occasionally. Haiz. Do wish that I was home with my family and friends, but there are things holding me back. Know that I am not fully capable of letting go.
Getting a tad disillusioned and cynical with event around me, but then again, I have always been so, haven't I. Lolx. Don't really have much to elaborate on this matter, some things are best not aired in public.
I hate it how life always throws you with a whole load of what ifs. Can I truly live a life without all the regrets and questions, forever wondering what lies down the other roads. Living for the moment, perhaps it is something I should aspire to. Alas, knowing myself, I have my reservations.
Haven't much to say, so I shan't continue to bore you all with my droning, monotonous lines. Goodnight for now, until some other time when I feel a little more inspired. Ciao.
Carpe diem.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
-11:20 AM
Once again I have been absent for quite a lengthy period, and I do apologise for it. Been really busy with work and all, was outfield then had a frantic time completing the preparations for a camp event. Things were not very well these weeks, cannot actually place a concrete reason but ya, have not been in the best of moods and all.
Am quite numb to how someone plays the angel/devil act way too often. Just sick of it. Frankly I do not even bother now, let him behave however he wishes, will not let him affect my life. The cycle always repeats itself, is beyond me how he lives with himself. Enough is enough. Stop subjugating me and subjecting me to your whims and fancies. My superior you may be, but hell, do not even assume that you are a better human being than me. You can maintain that you have your character and values, but is kinda dubious when the entire world thinks otherwise, is it not? So much time is wasted listening to your incessant ranting and what you deem "life lessons", oh please, you are in no position to give us that in the first place. Nevermind, just got to hang in there a while more.
Thinking back, there is an amount of regret I feel for extending. Perhaps I have overstayed my welcome, should have left when I had all I wanted to get from this place. Things have been going downhill since the one year mark. Perhaps it was wrong to get goaded with the lure of money. However, I think the larger part of me has no qualms over my decision. And it is due to one reason. But because of this, other issues arise.
Sometimes it is very hard to go on with something, when you feel that it is right but is frowned upon by the majority. Do we actually ignore that fact and go on as how we want to, or do we actually succumb to the pressures of society and conform to the norms? In an ideal world, the former would be feasible and may even work, however reality always rears its ugly head, and one had to maintain a sense of reason. Maybe there are other alternatives, but the knowledge of the ugly truth will always loom.
I have no regrets embarking on the path that I am on now, and I assure you that I will do all I can to remain on it. I can only hope that I can be strong enough. I will not give up.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
-9:24 PM
ok, i think that some of you might have thought i have died or something, so well unfortunately, i am still alive and kicking. things have been really hectic lately, with a lot of planning for SAF day to be done. really am struggling to complete everything on schedule and all, does not help matters when the work environment has been less than conducive and been proving almost impossible to bear with at times. i will not go into the details, since will only spark off unhappiness, in myself mainly, so shall just leave it as that.
otherwise, life has been fine, most of it at least. the cycles continue, the self-loathing, self-pity, depression and all take turns making their appearance in my life. but on the whole, i do have to say that am contented, majority of the time. things could be worse, but then again, we all do wish for better things don't we? am trying to look forward to my impending departure date, but it still seems a little out of sight. well, have to hold on to the little things, they make all the difference.
there is much i wish to say, but somehow just feel that words cannot fully them justice. so i guess i shall just leave things as they are right now. very tired and drained at the moment, and the week ahead does not look to be a good one. so long then, until the next time u hear from me, hopefully will not be too beaten the time time we meet.
